What do blondes and computers have in common? You don't appreciate them until they go down on you.......
A Geordie lass went to the hairdresser and asked for a perm... The hairdresser replied....I wandered lernly as a clood.
The inventor of the alarm clock “snooze button” has sadly passed away. His funeral will take place on Friday at 0730, 0738, 0746, 0754 and 0800.
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs. "Really" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling her breasts she began to lose patience and said. "Come on, what day was I born"? I replied, “Yesterday."
A taxi was driving through a lower class town area, in the back of the taxi was a lady and her 12 year old son, he said "Mum, why are all these ladies standing in shop doorways? She said," oh, they're just waiting on there husband's coming home from work". The taxi driver says "why don't you tell him the truth, they're on the game, they sell sex for money"! The boy said "Is that true mum?, she says" I'm afraid so ". The boy says," if one of these ladies has a baby, what happens to it?, Mum says "It becomes a taxi driver……
I have been teaching my dog to fetch tools from my workshop. He’s not perfect. But he knows the drill......
I setup a video call on my iPad with my doctor after I discovered a suspicious lump on my left testicle. I dropped my pants and explained it all to my doctor... Got some funny looks from the other customers in Costa Coffee though!
I went back to the doctor today. I said, "I applied the pile cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction". "Where actually did you apply it?" he asked. I said,"on the bus".
Black Friday has failed me. I ordered four kindles from Amazon and they sent me a Two Ronnies DVD.....
I've just checked my home insurance policy and apparently if my duvet is stolen in the middle of the night, I'm not covered.
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them £50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges £90. The Hilton charges £108. We do it here for £50...and I get £43 back from Medicare.
I`ve been watching a documentary about the life of Oscar Pistorius ...culminating in him killing Reena. Anyway.... I thought I`d treat myself to the SMIRNOFF OSCAR PISTORIUS ADVENT CALENDAR.... There's a Shot behind every Door.
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream echoes through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. The bartender yells, "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!" The drunk responds, "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." The bartender opens the door and looks in. You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!
Husbands,if your wife does something wrong just explain to her how your mum did it. She will appreciate your advice and strive to do it as she did …
