I was trying to work out the nautical term for 6 feet depth of water. I just couldn't fathom it out !!
Bumped into someone today. He had sandals on and was wearing a James Bond T shirt. I said what's your name and he replied, "The name's Flopp. Philip Flopp
My wife is in a right bad mood! Someone has stolen a pair of her pants off the washing line. She's not worried about her knickers, she just wants the fifteen pegs back.......
Reading deducted another 3 points for breaking the rules which is a joke as they keep taking the urine.
My wife bought a home waxing kit the other day. She asked me if she should just do the sides or leave a strip down the middle?" I said to her: "To be perfectly honest love I would prefer it if you didn't have a moustache at all."
I threw a ball for my dog... It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a Tuxedo.
Tyrone was having trouble in school. His teacher was always yelling at him, "You're driving me crazy, Tyrone. Can't you learn anything? One day Tyrone's mother came to school to see how he was doing. The teacher told her honestly that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never had such an unmotivated and ignorant boy in her entire teaching career. Tyrone's mom, shocked at the feedback, withdrew her son from school, moved out of Detroit, and relocated to Cleveland. Thirty years later, the teacher was diagnosed with irreversible cardiac disease. Her doctors all strongly advised her to have open heart surgery, which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform. Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was remarkably successful. When she opened her eyes after the surgery the teacher saw the handsome young doctor who headed her surgical team smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue; she raised her hand trying to tell him something but quickly died. The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly. When the doctor turned around to leave the room, he saw that Tyrone, now a janitor at the Clinic, had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to plug in his vacuum cleaner. If you thought that Tyrone had become a heart-surgeon, there is a high likelihood that you voted for Trump.
The funeral for the man that invented Tupperware, was delayed while they tried to find the right lid for his coffin.
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perked up and said, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!” “What a coincidence,” the farmer said. “This is a special day for me; I am celebrating.” “This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,” said the woman. “What a coincidence!” said the farmer. As they clinked glasses, he added, “What are you celebrating?” “My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!” “What a coincidence!” said the man. “I’m a chicken farmer, and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.” “That’s great!” said the woman, “How did your chickens become fertile?” “I used a different rooster,” he replied. The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, “What a coincidence!”
The sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. I returned it to the store. They gave me another one Free of charge.......
I decided to stop worrying about my wife's driving and take advantage of it. I got one of those bumper stickers that say, "How's My Driving?" and put an 0800 number on it. At 50 pence a call, l've been making a fortune
