What day of the week is it thread

I just put vodka in my petrol lawnmower as it was cheaper than petrol. Now my grass is half cut

 

English lesson…

Tsunami - T is silent
Psychology - P is silent
Knife - K is silent
Honest - H is silent
Wife - Husband is silent

 

My wife bet me £10 that I couldn't do a Butterfly impression.... I thought, that's got to be worth a little flutter

 

Be careful buying stuff on ebay. I ordered a Puffer fish....... and they sent me a Haddock with Asthma.

 

I was rubbing an old lamp earlier when a genie popped out and granted me a wish. I asked him to make me irresistible to all women.

B*stard turned me into a pair of shoes!

 

I nodded off over an Indian meal last night.

I was asleep as soon as my head touched the pilau.

 

Ygolohcysp..

Now that's what I call reverse psychology.

 

My partner said last night, "Come into the bedroom and I'll put on that black lace number."

I said, "No thanks, I can't stand Agadoo!"

 

An old man gets on a bus. There are no Seats so he stands and leans on his walking stick for support. The bus brakes suddenly at one stage and he slips. A young man sitting in a seat next to him says, " Hey Mister, if you had a rubber on the end of your stick that would not have happened"..The old man replies" If your Father had taken the same advice I would have a fecking Seat.

 

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking ?

Slow down and use some lubricant...

 

Replace Border Force with GP Receptionists,

and then let's see who gets in !!.............

 

Breaking News:

Philip Schofield has left ITV, and will soon be appearing on Dave.

Dave is 15, and currently taking his GCSE's.......

 

I told my boss that I was tired of being a human cannonball

So he fired me !..........

 

They say thousands of kangaroos die on the road each year in Australia.

This doesn't surprise me. I'd be shocked if their arms could even reach the steering wheel..

 

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We must all do our bit for the planet…

I’ve just unplugged a row of electric cars, that no one was using.

 

Why are the toilets in every Wetherspoon pub up 50 flights of stairs, across 2 continents, down a mountain and through a door to Narnia?

You’ve almost wet yourself by the time you get there.......