What day of the week is it thread

A class was given homework to find out something
exciting and tell it to the class the next day.
When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little
boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class. He
picked up a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.
"It's a 'period'," he replied.
"I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so exciting about a 'period'?"
"Darned if I know," said the boy,
"but yesterday my sister was missing one,
Mum fainted,
Dad had a heart attack
and the boy next door joined the Army!

 

I just found out that Anthony Hopkins is Welsh.

That explains why he wanted those lambs to keep quiet !

 

An old trucker sat down in a diner and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the wrinkled old gear jammer and asked, ‘Are you a real trucker?’
He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life driving big rigs. I have delivered grain to breweries, I have carted machinery across the country, I have given rides at county fairs to lots of kids, and clocked up over 4 million miles, that's like to the moon and back 10 times so I guess I am a trucker – what about you?’
She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young boy sat down on the other side of the old truck driver and asked, ‘Are you a real trucker?’
He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian!

 

A man went to the doctor. He said "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks". "I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on?" the doctor asked.
"That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee".
The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really need 10 bucks, just lend me 10 bucks!!"
"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this".
The doctor was dumbfounded.
"Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle" the man urged him.
The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead "Please, I just need 5 bucks. Lend me 5 bucks please if you can".
I have no idea what to tell you" the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books" he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.
"I can make a well-educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg appears to be broke in three places"

 

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employee’s well-being, asks sympathetically, “What’s the matter?”
The blonde replies, “Early this morning, I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.”
“I’m terribly sorry to hear that. Why don’t you go home for the day… we aren’t terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest.”
The blonde very calmly explains, “No, I’d be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.”
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. “If you need anything, just let me know,” he says.
A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the woman. He looks out over his office and sees her crying hysterically.
He rushes out to her and asks, “Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?”
“No,” replies the blonde, “I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!”

 

A woman takes her 15-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?" The mother says, "It's my daughter Mandy. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings." The doctor gives Mandy a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Mandy is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess." The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Mandy?" Mandy says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it.
About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?" The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill.
I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

 

I was walking down my local high street today and saw written on one of the windows:
`Chicken dinner £2.00,'

I felt a bit hungry so I went inside and ordered the chicken dinner and they gave me a bag of bird seed.

 

I was trying to work out the nautical term for 6 feet depth of water, but I just couldn't fathom it out !!

 

Somebody just phoned me, sneezed and then hung up.

Don't you just hate cold callers...

 

I am now proud to announce that I am selling Adult toys. I hope no one is embarrassed to ask for them. I have all kinds, sizes and styles according to your needs. Discretion is guaranteed!! I am more then willing and able to demonstrate any items listed for you. Ask for yours anytime. I have everything listed below if needed........

Walkers, wheelchairs, oxygen tanks, canes, disposable diapers etc etc. What was your dirty mind thinking ?

 

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.
The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "£250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "I'll tell."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "£750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "£1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."

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A trucker came into a truck stop restaurant and placed his order. “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.”
The brand-new waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. … What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?”
“No,” the cook said. “Three flat tires means three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards is two slices of crisp bacon!”
“Oh … OK!” replied the waitress. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, “What are the beans for?”
She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!”

 

When I was younger I lived in a houseboat for a while and I started seeing the girl next door.

Eventually we drifted apart.

 

I went to see my doctor this morning.
"How can I help you?" she asked.
"I found a lump while I was in the bath," I replied, pointing downwards.
"Oh right," she said, "Take your trousers down for me."
After having a good old feel of my bollocks for a few minutes, she said, "I can't feel a lump."
I said, "It's on my toe."

 

I viewed a woman's profile on a dating site back in the day :
Blonde 33 From London Great Personality 5ft 3 green eyes.
Don't get me wrong, I like short girls, but 3 green eyes?
No wonder she can't find a bloke.

 

I’m dating a bin lady at the moment but I can never remember if I’m supposed to take her out on a Monday or a Wednesday.