What day of the week is it thread

I've just finished reading the Kama Sutra.....and I have to say its left me in a very awkward position

 

I went to Clarence House yesterday to give the King a haircut ahead of his coronation.
I said to the guard, “Can you let me in, I'm here to cut The Kings hair?”
The guard said “Have you got a permit?”
“No, just a bit off the back!”.

 

Preacher, arriving in a small town to be guest speaker at a local church, wanted to mail a letter to his family back home.
However, he didn’t know where the post office was. After looking around for a while, he stopped a young girl on a bike and asked her for directions.
The 7 year old girl replied, “I can show you the way, follow me.”
After they had arrived at the post office, the preacher turned to the little girl and said: “Thank you for your help. If you come to church this evening, I’ll tell you about Jesus and how to get to heaven.”
“Nah, I don’t think so,” answered the girl.
“Why not?” asked the surprised priest.
The girl replied, “You don’t even know your way to the post office!”

 

A businessman is getting on a flight when he hears from another
passenger that the Pope is going to be on the flight.
... "WOW, great!" he thinks, being a devout Christian, "What a good place
to be today."
Just before the aircraft doors are closed the Pope enters the plane Airplane
and sits next to him.
I am surely blessed the man thinks. Here I am, a good Catholic on a
flight with the Pope sitting next to me.
The plane takes off and after a few minutes the passengers take off
their seat belts.
The man looks sideways and sees the Pope reaching into his bag to take
out a crossword book. Marvelous, he thinks, not only am I blessed with
the Pope next to me but he does crosswords and so do I. He notices
that the Pope is working his way through the puzzle, and that the Pope
is tapping his pencil.
The Pope turns to him and says, "I usually don't talk to anyone on
flights, but I wonder if you can help me?"
"Anything, your Eminence ... What is it?"
"Do you know a four letter word that ends in 'u-n-t' that means
something associated with women?"
The man feels uncomfortable. He thinks and thinks. Finally he says,
"The only word I can think of is aunt."
The Pope looks at him and asks, "Do you have an eraser?"

 

I've just had a phone call from my mate.
He said...."You won't believe this, I entered a competition last month and I've only gone and won first prize".
I said "That's brilliant...what's the prize"?
He replied..."A week in Ibiza, for me and 3 mates, all inclusive, a 5☆ hotel, with £2,000 spending money....are you free between 20th and 27th of August"?
I said...."Of course I am".
He then said...
"Great.....can you put my wheelie bin out".

 

I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night (as I often do) & I noticed a strange individual who looked like a terrorist with a knife in his hand, sneaking through my next door neighbour’s back garden.
Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly.
He then dug a grave in the vegie patch and put the body in it and covered it.
Astonished, I got back into bed. As I tossed and turned
my wife said, "You're upset, what is it?"
"You'll never believe what I've just seen," I said.
”What” she said
"That bastard next door has still got my shovel.".

 

Quasimodo went to his doctor.
"How can I help you,' asked the doctor."
I just don't feel right,' replied Quasimodo
"OK,can you take off all your clothes and we'll try to find out what's wrong." said the doctor.
Quasimodo took off ten vests,eight shirts and fourteen jumpers.
''When was the last time you took off all your clothes?" asked the doctor.
"When I was at school" replied Quasimodo.
"Did you never wonder what happened to your school bag" replied the doctor.

 

A guy with constipation is sat in the public toilets trying his best, after a few minutes he hears footsteps come rushing in, & the cubicle door next to him slams shut noisily,after a second or two he hears an almighty explosive sh#tting, f#rting noise.
He says " I wish I could do that "
The voice from the next cubicle says
"I bet you don't I couldn't get my trousers down in time "

 

Little Johnny is visiting his Grandad on the farm ..
He races into the Farmhouse and yells excitedly to his Grandad :
"Hey Grandad , the bull is sh*gging the cow" ..
Grandad informs Johnny that he Won't tolerate this sort of "playground language" on his farm and that in future if Johnny wants to inform him about such things , he should say something like ,
"Grandad , the bull is 'surprising' the cow .."
A few weeks later Johnny is again visiting the farm ..
Once again he comes racing in and yells :
"Grandad the bull is surprising the cows .."
Grandad says to Johnny :
"I'm SO pleased to hear that after my conversation with you , a few weeks ago , you have cleaned up your language ..
However , your grammar is not quite correct ..
It is not "the bull is surprising the cows".
It is , "the Bull is surprising the cow" ..
The bull can only surprise ONE cow at a time"..
Johnny replies :
"No Grandad , the bull is REALLY surprising ALL the cows , because he's
Sh*gging the horse ...!!"

 

I started doing some impressions of old TV detectives in the pub last night.
Telly Savalas aka Kojak, “Who loves ya baby?”
Peter Falk aka Colombo, "Just one more thing.”
Humphrey Bogart, “Play it again Sam.”
After a couple of others I noticed a young lady taking a lot of interest and asked her, “Would you like to see my Dick Tracy?”

She said, “Yes please, but my names not Tracy!”

 

A Texan enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table, alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note with the bottle back over to the Texan. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, $1M in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants." WELL, the Texan, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage, I have over $2M in the bank, but not even for YOU, would I cut off 2 inches! Sorry, honey."

 

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

 

A bodybuilder was admiring his body in the mirror when he noticed he was suntanned everywhere but his penis. So, he went to the beach, naked, and buried himself in the sand with only his penis sticking out.

Two elderly ladies walked by and saw this penis sticking out of the sand. One of them moved it around with her cane. She said to her friend, "There isn't any justice in this world."

Her friend asked her what she meant.

"When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I demanded it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild, and I'm too fu*king old to squat."

 

Touched my inner self this morning.

Last time I buy Tesco value toilet roll.......

 

I hate going for prostate exams with my doctor...

Are dim lights, candles, a bottle of wine and Barry White music really necessary?

 

A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two?" The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two." The second was a social worker. She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm glad we had time to discuss this important question." The third applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001. The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v. Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four. The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two?" The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it, then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?" He got the job.

 

I know a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the local park

She sells C cells by the seesaw....

 

When making a cup of tea for the wife, I shouted from the kitchen "Do you want a Kit Kat Chunky ?"

Don't remember much after that !.........

 

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Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.
He went to the emergency room in Cork’s hospital.
The doctor looked at Paddy and said, “Let’s be avin’ da fingers and I’ll see what oi can do.”
Paddy said, “Oi haven’t got da fingers.”
“Whadda ya mean you haven’t got da fingers? Lord T’underin’ Jesus, it’s 2008! We’s got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn’t ya bring da fingers?”
And Paddy said, “How da f**k was I ‘sposed to pick dem up?”

 

Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.
The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.
The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.
The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up.