When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery. "How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously. "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor. "Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?
A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency. The social worker raised doubts about their suitability. The couple then produced photos of their 50-foot motor home, which was clean and well maintained, and equipped with a beautiful nursery. The social worker then raised concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care. "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills." Then the social worker expressed concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. "Our nanny will be a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet." The social worker was finally satisfied and asked, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?" "Oh, It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon."
A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.” The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11
Today I donated my watch, phone and £100, to some poor guy. You don’t know the happiness I felt when he put the knife back in his pocket!
An old man crashed his car into a very expensive automobile. The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says “Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!” The old man replies, “Woah wait buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me call my son, he trains dolphins.” The old man dials his son as he is about to speak the owner of the expensive car yanks the phone out of his hand and says “So you train dolphins, well your old man just hit and damaged my car, you bring me $10,000 or I’m gonna beat the heck outta him and you !” The son answers “Okay, give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there.” In exactly 15 minutes the son pulls up in a Jeep, Ten men jump out and beat the hell out of the expensive car owner. Meanwhile the son walks over to his father and says “Dad I train Navy Seals not dolphins"
An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?" The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chucky, wherever I go, Chucky goes." "I'm sorry sir.", said the ticket agent, "We don't allow animals in the theater." The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie. "Marge", whispered Mildred. "What", said Marge. "I think this guy next to me is a pervert.", said Mildred. "What makes you think that", asked Marge. "He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out", whispered Mildred. "Well, don't worry about it", said Marge, "At our age we've seen them all." "I thought so", said Mildred, "But this one is eating my popcorn
Johnny received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse filthy vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. Johnny tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary. Finally, Johnny was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. Johnny shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. Johnny, in desperation, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, Johnny quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Johnny's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour." Johnny was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird spoke-up, very softly. "May I ask what the chicken did?"
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name. ... In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?" All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.' The room erupted in applause !!!!!!
I think it's a disgrace on society and our education system when after 50 years, most people have no idea who Neil Armstrong is. Or what kind of trumpet he played!
Man lost in a hot air balloon over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer and shouts to him "Where am i?" The Irish farmer looks up and shouts back "You can't fool me, I know you're in that feckin basket!"
I was in an Inuit restaurant last night and I asked the waiter what was on the menu… He said I could have whale meat, whale meat, whale meat or the Vera Lynn. I said, “what’s the Vera Lynn?” He said, “Whale meat again”
A man furiously approaches his neighbour and shouts, 'Where is your Wife?' 'Why?' the neighbour replies ,'What did Anna do?' She tricked my Wife into investing in a fake farm for snakes!' he yelled. 'Anna conned her?' 'No, Burmese pythons...'
Men at 25 play football. At 40 they play tennis, and at 60 they play golf. As they get older, the balls get smaller.
My friends are going to run in front of the King's carriage on Saturday and see if it stops… They are playing a game of coronation chicken!
A man walks into the shrinks office wearing only cling wrap for shorts. The shrink says ..."Well, I can really see your nuts"
