Film studios have announced a remake of Hitchcock’s classic The Birds. Leading roles by Russell Crowe, Steven Seagal and Ethan Hawke, with music by Taylor Swift.
My Grandad only had one leg, but still managed to work 40 years in a brewery. He was in charge of the hops.
I got the sack today for downloading porn and making everything crash. They're a bit strict at Air Traffic Control.
I hired a new cleaner from Eastern Europe. She seems great, only it takes her 3 hours to vacuum the living room. I'm guessing she must be Slovak
There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 6 minutes late. On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round. Following Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 6 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golf's left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 6 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed. The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that? George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my Mrs. If she is sleeping On her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.'' ''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is laying on her back?'' George replies, ''Then I am 6 minutes late
BREAKING NEWS. Liverpool Airport is closed due to a suspicious car. It was taxed, insured, and had an MOT.
Late one night a woman phones the police and says she can hear 2 burglars downstairs in her house, the woman on the line says sorry dear but we have no cars in the area and we're all busy, just sit quietly and someone will get to you as soon as they can, the woman puts the phone down and rings back a minute later and says it's ok no rush now I've shot the burglars, Within a minute there's 6 cop cars outside her house and the police helicopter flying above, the police storm the house and catch the burglars, whilst taking them out 1 copper says I thought you said you had shot them, to which the woman replied, and I thought you were all busy
Always do some research before taking up a new hobby. I started metal detecting for the first time last week. I'd dug up almost an entire field before I remembered I was wearing my steel capped boots
My wife told me I've grown as a person. Her actual words were "You've gotten fat", but I know what she meant....
As a plane was about to crash a female passenger stood up and Shouts If I am going to die I want to die like a woman Takes all her clothes off And says Is there a man on this plane who can make me feel like a woman A man stands up Takes his shirt off And says Here iron this
Paddy and Murphy who were unemployed decided to go to the mainland to work in the mines in Derbyshire, "But I've never worked in a mine before in my life" said Paddy, Neither have I" said Murphy, "But they don't know that, do they, Its a long way from Wales, so we'll say we've worked in the mines in Wales, they can never check, then we will pick it up as we go along!!" So they arrived at the mine, the manager said to them "Tell me, where have you worked before?" Both together they said" Oh we've worked in the mines in Wales" the manager replied, "Well we've never had anyone from the Welsh mines, tell me, what sort of lamps do they use?" Straight away Murphy spluttered "Oh we never went on the night shift, did we Paddy!!.
I asked my GP if there was anything better than over the counter hemorrhoids stuff as I was trying to avoid the time off work for surgery. She suggested using teabags as a cold compress as the tea shrinks them and soothes some of the pain. I decided to try it, but I only ever use loose leaf tea, but the principle’s the same, so I scooped the leaves out of the cold pot and used a wad of kitchen towel to hold them in place. A couple of week’s later and I’m back at the Doctors. She gets me to drop my trousers and lie on the couch on one side. I hear her draw up her chair, the lights dimmed slightly and she said. “Well, your hemorrhoids aren’t getting any better, but you are going on a journey. You will meet a tall dark handsome stranger.....”
Someone offered me a £70,000 a year job working for the Brittle Bone Society…. I snapped his hand off.
Feeling down? Play a country music record backwards. You get your wife, your kids, your house your dog and your truck back in two minutes
I was sat in the pub the other day when in walks a lad dressed all in black and holding a whistle. I said 'F*cking hell . . . . it's all going to kick off in a minute'
An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?' The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
I used to have a job cutting holes to make trapdoors for theatres... It was just a stage I was going through!
So this fella just asked me: “Do you want the winner of today’s Grand National?" I said: “No thanks, I've only got a small garden"
A hunter shoots himself in the genitals with his shotgun. A few hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he's approached by a doctor. "The good news is you're gonna be ok. The bad news is there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage to your penis so I'm gonna have to refer you to my sister. "Is she a plastic surgeon?" asks the hunter. "No." says the doctor, "She's a flute player. She'll teach you where to put your fingers so you don't splash yourself
Mary was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of the insurance policy with the clerk at the Insurance Agency. During the discussion, she asked, "Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband today for a million dollars, and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?" The clerk eyed her suspiciously and replied, "Probably a life sentence."
