The parish priest needs his house painted, so he offers the job to one of his altar boys. The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house; he’s sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished. The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him £5. The boy looks at the money and says to the priest, “Thanks very much, Father. You’re a virgin.” The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark. The next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house; it’s a really hot day, and he just manages to finish the job without collapsing. The priest looks at the job and this time gives the lad another £5 bill. Once again the lad looks at the money and says, “Thanks very much, Father. You really are a virgin.” At this stage the priest decides to take action. “Tommy,” he says, “that’s twice you’ve called me a virgin. Do you have any idea what the word means?” “Yes,” says the kid, “a tight tw*t.”
If You Don’t Understand This Joke; It’s Best To Remain Innocent please log in to view this image One Sunday, when counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week! The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church." The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?" The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week." The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?" The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses - one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno. please log in to view this image
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything. Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything, and hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says “What's the food like here?" The lion says: "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees.
A big lion strode arrogantly through the jungle bullying everyone he met. ‘Who’s the King of the Jungle Monkey? he sneered. “You are Lion” said the Monkey respectfully, tugging his forelock.. “Who’s the King of the Jungle Water Buffalo?” Again came the subservient answer, “You are your majesty”…with a low bow.. This went on all day, Baboons, Antelopes, Cheetah etc. are all made to kiss ass by the Lion. Finally he came to an Elephant drinking at the waterhole. “Who’s the King of the Jungle Elephant? he demands.. The Elephant looks up, grabs the Lion round the neck with his trunk, holds him on the ground and stamps on him. He then grabs the Lion by his tail, swings him around its head several times and bangs him against a tree before throwing him into the bushes.. The lion climbs out of the bushes and limps off, muttering, “Theres no need to be like that… Just because you didn’t know the bloody answer.”
I’ve been accused of making love to a woman when she was asleep. In my defence, she was awake when I started.
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, But they only know to say one thing' What do they say?' the priest asked. They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment..... You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible... Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, And your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.' Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.' The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.... As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.. Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them... After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' There was stunned silence... One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says, 'Put the beads away, Frank, Our prayers have been answered! ..
I need some advice ,what is the right amount of Roses to give my girlfriend on Valentines Day. 6 ,12 or 24 ? Or the whole tin ?
I went shopping for underpants. The chap said they sold X fronts Y fronts and R fronts. I asked what were R fronts. He said try a pair. So I put them on, I went Aaaaaàrrrrrrhhh...........
Saw the worst Mind Reader ever, last night. Mind Reader: "Think of a Card, any Card." Me: "OK". Mind Reader: "Visualise it in your Mind." Me: "OK". Mind Reader: "Is it the Nine of Clubs?" Me: "No". Mind Reader: "Ace of Spades??" Me: "No". Mind Reader: "What is it Then???" Me: "Happy Birthday..."
A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth & a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job, I don't like taking advantage of the System, getting something for nothing." The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2018 Mercedes-Benz CL & he will supply all of your clothes." "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward but you will also have to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her 20's and has a strong sex drive. The guy, wide-eyed, said,"You're bul*lshi*ttin' me???" The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . you started it."...
The man who invented 'cats eyes' got the idea when he saw the eyes of a cat reflected in his headlights... If the cat had been going the other way, he would have invented the pencil sharpener!
I'm not saying staff at my local Asda are idle gits, but I've used the self checkout twice and I've already been named Employee of the Month!
Jack is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" Jack replied, "Actually, I've found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them." His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother." A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?" With a frown on his face, Jack answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much." The friend said, "Then what's the problem?" Jack replied, "My father doesn't like her."
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
