What day of the week is it thread

I couldn't open this one Ron!

 

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I see David Beckham's son has signed for Brentford and been given a shirt number. The manager said, 'Wear four out there Romeo'

 

A doctor in Dublin wanted a day off work to go fishing, so he approached his assistant."Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don"t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients"."Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:"So,Murphy, how was your day?"Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "

The first one had a headache, so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.""Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor."

The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy."Bravo, bravo! You"re good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor."

Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman borsts in, so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: "HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!"
Thunderin' Lord Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor."

I put drops in her eyes."

 

Just had the worst day today. I paid a carpenter to build us a bespoke double bed and found out he's done a bunk…

It's just one thing on top of another!

 

The owner & bartender, was so sure that he was
the strongest man around, that he offered a
standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the lemon to a patron.
Anyone who could squeeze two more drops of juice out of it, would win the money.
Many people had tried, over the years: weightlifters, longshoremen, football players etc., but nobody had ever been able to do it.
One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar,wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit.
He sat down, ordered a glass of draft, & started looking around the bar.
After reading the sign on the wall about the lemon challenge, he said in a meek voice:
"I was just reading your sign, and I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter in the pub had died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon and squeezed the heck out of it.....
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow.
The Crowd's laughter turned to total silence....
as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon....and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the guy his $1000, and then asked little man:
"Do you mind if I ask what do you do for a living?
Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The little fellow quietly replied:
"No, I work for The Australian Tax Office!"

 

Just bought a antique bottle of Tipex from China on eBay.

It's a correctors item.

 

I've just returned from hospital after the bowl of herbs I was carrying in the garden blew into my face.

The doctor has told me that I am now parsley sighted.