Vladimir Putin’s 70th birthday party abandoned after game of pass the parcel takes 14 hours please log in to view this image
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" And God saw it was good. On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God, again saw it was good. On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed it was good. On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You asked for it." So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch..
On hearing that my elderly grandfather had passed away, i went straight to my grandparents house to visit my 99 year old grandmother to comfort her. I asked her how my grandfather had died. She said He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning. I was shocked that two people nearly a 100 were still having sex. She replied many years ago we figured out the best time to do it was on a Sunday morning when the church bells started to ring. It was just the right rhythm nice and slow. Nothing too strenuous simply in on the ding and out on the dong. She paused and wiped away a tear, he’d still be alive if the bloody ice cream van hadn’t come along…..
While many complain about life in general and the cost of living etc, I am sitting on a sofa that costs £3,500, lovely and cool in front of an air-con unit costing £2,300, watching the latest film on a 70" smart TV that costs £4,000 Right now, I'm happy, with no worries and not a care in the world, not even the employees at John Lewis, who keep asking me to leave can spoil my day.
I took my wife out for our anniversary dinner last night and she kept saying she wanted to pay for the meal. "Don't be stupid," I said, "we're halfway down the road now, just keep running".
Paddy went to the train station and asked the ticket office for a one-way ticket to jeopardy. The clerk said there's no such place. Paddy replied, look, it said on the news last night there's 3000 jobs in jeopardy and i want to get there NOW!!.
