An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk. She said, "You use to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you use to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going ?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"
My friend's daughter went out with a cosmetic surgeon. That was an uplifting experience. Lately she has been dating a crane operator but she's not happy; he keeps letting her down
Former Wycombe Wanderers player and cult hero Darius Charles has taken up a new job at Manchester City. The 34-year-old, who spent three seasons with the Chairboys between 2018 and 2021, will work at the reigning Premier League champions as a senior house parent under the City Football Academies umbrella. What great news and how well deserved
I stole a boomerang earlier and hid it up my sleeve… The security guard threw me out of the shop 37 times!
My wife says I'm tight, so to prove her wrong I'm taking her out for tea and biscuits today... It should be quite exciting as she has never given blood before!
Got a new hobby. A couple of days a week, I spend two hours bellringing. Some people find it an odd thing to do with your time,but I find it very therapeutic. The bus driver seems less keen on it, though...
Charley, a new retiree-greeter at B&Q, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their “Older Person Friendly” policies. One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. “Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome.” “Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it.” “Well good, you are a team player. That’s what I like to hear”. “Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder”. Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, “I know you’re retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often?” The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, “They usually saluted and said, “Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir”?
The husband leans over and asks his wife, ‘Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.’ Yes, she says, ‘I remember it well.’ OK,’ he says, ‘How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?’ Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!’ A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know… After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them,’ Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?’ Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, ‘Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.’
