What day of the week is it thread

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Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin, drew a picture of a wine glass, and showed it to her.
She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.
They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.
They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of couple dancing.
She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band packed up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

 

Two blokes are in hospital in adjoining beds, waiting to go into theatre
One says to the other “What you in for”?
The other replies “Endoscopy”
“What’s that then”? the first bloke asks.
“They’ll send a camera down my throat into my stomach and look for things like ulcers or even cancers. What you in for”? replies the second bloke.
“Camera up my bum" says the first bloke.
“Do you mean a Colonoscopy”? says the second bloke
“Nah”, says the first bloke, “The missus caught me taking pictures of the next door neighbour sunbathing nude in her back garden”

 

I have a problem I need some advice on, I suspected my wife was seeing someone else, the usual signs, I pick the phone up when someone rings and they hang up, she has been going out a lot with the girls.
I decided last night to hide behind the shed where I keep my boat and wait for her to come home, a car pulled up and she got out,
buttoning up her top and then she took her pants from her bag and put them on. It was at that moment crouched behind boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket .
Is it that something that can be welded, or do I have to replace the whole bracket ?

 

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,
"OK, I give up. Where's the bloody ship?"

 

They say that the dog is truly man's best friend.

If you don't believe me, put your dog and your wife in the boot of your car and after an hour open it and see which one is happy to see you!

 

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A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for £250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.
The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died."
Tommy replied, "Well, then just give me my money back. That's fine."
The farmer said, "Sorry, I can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Tommy then said, "Okay, then, just bring me the dead horse."
The farmer was surprised and asked Tommy, "Why? What ya gonna do with him?"
Tommy replied, "I’m going to raffle him off."
The farmer laughed and said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse! Who'd buy a ticket?"
Tommy answered, "Sure I can, just watch me. I just won't tell anybody the horse is dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with Tommy again and asked, "What happened with that dead horse in the end. Did you raffle him off?"
Tommy said, "I sure did. I sold 500 tickets at £5 a piece."
The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Tommy smiled and said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £5 back."

 

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When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn't even know.
When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.
Then a man approached me and said, "Enjoy life son, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn't enjoy it."
Then he passed his hand over my head and left.
My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person.
When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had spoken to me!
I was so traumatized I couldn't sleep properly. I had terrible nightmares. I was terrified of being alone. I couldn't sleep without a night light for many years. I saw many psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years.
It got better as I aged, but would still occasionally wake up screaming in fear.
Years later, I discovered something incredible that changed my life.
The dead bastard had a twin.

 

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One day a Jew, a Hindu, and a scouser all arrived at their hotel to find that there had been a mix-up with the bookings, and that there was only one room left for them to share.
The manager explained that this room only had two beds, but that there was a barn at a neighbouring farm which the farmer, an old friend of his, would let one of them sleep in free of charge.
They complained a bit, but since there was nowhere else to go, the Jew graciously said he’d sleep in the barn.
The Hindu and the scouser were just settling down to sleep in their room, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Jew.
“I’m sorry,” he said, “but there’s a pig in that barn and because I’m Jewish I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it.” “No problem,” said the Hindu. “I’ll sleep out there instead.”
So off he went to the barn, leaving the scouser and the Jew to share the room.
They were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Hindu.
“I’m sorry,” he said, “but there’s a cow in that barn and because I’m a Hindu I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it.”
The scouser grudgingly agreed to give up his bed and stomped off to the barn, leaving the Jew and the Hindu to share the room.
The Jew and the Hindu were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door.
It was the cow and the pig.

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A rich socialite commissioned an artist to paint her portrait.
He said his fee would be £5000, which she accepted without hesitation.
When she turned up the following week for her first sitting she reached into her bag and handed him £10000.
The artist was surprised and asked why she was paying him double the agreed fee:
"I want you to paint me in the nude"
She said. "Do you have any objections?"
"Not for £10,000 I don't!"
The artist replied. "But I would have to keep my socks on - I need somewhere to put my brushes."