I won't be on here for a few weeks. I am under investigation by the Police for the theft of a quantity of beach inflatables. Until the investigation is over, I've got to Lilo
Policeman : I'm booking you for dangerous driving. You were swerving all over the road. Driver : Of course I was. There were nails all over the road. I couldn't drive over them. Policeman : In that case, I'm booking you for tacks evasion
My wife gave me an ultimatum: Stop telling stupid Llama jokes or pack my bags and leave. I said o.k., Alpaca bag.....
Little Johnny's father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" Little Johnny says, bursting into tears. Confused, his father asks what's wrong. "Oh, Dad," Little Johnny sobs, "first, there was no Santa Claus, then no Easter Bunny, and finally, no Tooth Fairy. If you're about to tell me that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in."
On a recent study it was said that Italian men have the most regular sex, at about 3-4 times a week, with average British man at about 6 times a month. The least regular sex goes to the Eskimo, with about 2-3 times a year, which came as a massive shock to me. I didn't even know I was an Eskimo.
Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced. “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired. “What makes you say that?” Bill beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work..." "Suzie was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’” Such Affection, So Much Love.......
I bought a new SatNav it's really good Yesterday I drove past a Zoo and it said Bear Left ..... Now that's clever
Jose Mourinho gets a letter delivered to his house in Rome. Opens it, it's an electricity bill for £17,000 forwarded on from Manchester United Football Club.. He rings the club, "I think there's been a mistake, you sent me a bill but I haven't worked for you for years." No Jose sorry, but there’s no mistake...... You were the last person in the trophy room in 2017 and you left the fu*king light on!"
A client phoned the help desk to say their computer wasn't working. The screen was totally blank. After some initial checks that didn't work the engineer said that they would have to check the plug. The client got under the desk but complained that it was very dark. The technician suggested that the light should be turned on. The client said that that was not possible as they had a power cut. The technician then said, or so the story goes, "This could be serious. Can you box up the computer and send it back to us. Oh! and put a note in it saying that it is an ID 10T operating problem."
