Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Geoff received his plate, he started eating straight away. "Geoff , wait until we've said our prayer," his mother reminded him. "I don't have to," the Little boy replied. "Of course you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house," Geoff, explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."
A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian, - "This is the WORST book I've ever read!" "It has NO plot and far too many characters! The librarian looks up and calmly remarks - "So, you're the one who took our phone book..."
I’ve got a 1998 Ford Fiesta with a full tank of petrol... Looking to swap for a 4 bed detached house.
A chap jumps in a taxi says, “King Arthur’s Close”. The taxi driver says, “Don’t worry I’ll lose him at the lights”…
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem" says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"
A very old lady realizes that she’s seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart. Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple. The senior lady hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.
I asked my GP if there was anything better than over the counter hemorrhoids stuff as I was trying to avoid the time off work for surgery. She suggested using teabags as a cold compress as the tea shrinks them and soothes some of the pain. I decided to try it, but I only ever use loose leaf tea, but the principle’s the same, so I scooped the leaves out of the cold pot and used a wad of kitchen towel to hold them in place. A couple of week’s later and I’m back at the Doctors. She gets me to drop my trousers and lie on the couch on one side. I hear her draw up her chair, the lights dimmed slightly and she said. “Well, your hemorrhoids aren’t getting any better, but you are going on a journey. You will meet a tall dark handsome stranger.....”
Think it"s fantastic how the Chinese can now say they've sent an astronaut into space. He's been officially named as Moon-Lan-Din.
Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this and that and the subject finally got around to sex. The first old lady said she enjoyed sex all the time, and just as much as ever. The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was. The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom he gets turned on and has his way with her. The second old lady decides to try this approach so that night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. her husband comes into the bedroom takes one look and says, "For God's sake Maude, comb your hair and put your teeth in."
A man went to the doctor. He said "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!" The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks". "I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on?" the doctor asked. "That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee". The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really need 10 bucks, just lend me 10 bucks!!" "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this". The doctor was dumbfounded. "Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle" the man urged him. The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead "Please, I just need 5 bucks. Lend me 5 bucks please if you can". I have no idea what to tell you" the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books" he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "I can make a well-educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg appears to be broke in three places"
At the Airport, I heard 2 guys saying they wouldn't feel safe if the Pilot was a woman. How bloody sexist, I mean it's not as if she has to reverse the bloody thing.....
Scotland play Ukraine next week in a World Cup qualifier. Virtually the whole of Europe will be supporting the country that has suffered so much torment at the hands of an immoral leader. On the other hand, I'm sure there will be a few who'd prefer Ukraine win!
I drove up to Buckingham Palace and said to the guard, "Can you let me in I've got to cut Prince Williams hair." He said, "Have you got a permit?" I said, "No just cut some off the back!"
An African bloke knocked on the door today. He was carrying a big bucket, and said to me "Can you fill this bucket, with clean water for me please?" Bugger me" I said to him, "How many miles have you walked, just for this..???" He replied.... "NONE you cheeky twat, I'm the new window cleaner".
