My wife said I need to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and ignored her all day for no reason. Son: "Dad, what's an alcoholic?" Dad: "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight." Son: "But Dad, I only see two." I bought a massive fish from the supermarket today, and when I got home I found out that all its insides were missing. Gutted!
An Irishman goes into a bar in America and orders three whiskeys. The barman asks: "Would it be better for if I put all three shots in one glass?" The Irishman replies: "No! I have two other brothers back at home, so every time I come into a pub, I order a shot for them both." The following week, the Irishman orders just two whiskeys. The barman asks: "Did something happen one of your brothers?" "Oh no," replies the Irishman. "I just decided to quit drinking!"
A Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets a call on his mobile phone and as he listens to the call he starts grinning from ear to ear, then when he disconnects he shouts to the barman that he wants to buy everyone in the bar a drink. The barman starts serving the drinks and the people start to crowd around keen to know what they are celebrating. "Well," he announces, "My wife's just produced a typical Queensland baby boy weighing 25 pounds". Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Queenslander just shrugs, "That's about average in Queensland . Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy." Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "STREWTH" and "BLOODY HELL!" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the same bar. The barman says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth aren't you? Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So - how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers: "17 pounds." The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!" The Queensland father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX Gold beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says, "We had him circumcised!"
I’ve been offered a job by the MD of “the brittle bone society” £1000 per week plus expenses… I snapped his fuc*ing hand off...
I asked my wife what women really wanted. She said 'attentive lovers'. Or ' a tent of lovers', or something. I wasn't really listening.
An old man goes to church one morning and heads into confession. Inside, he says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, a widower, with 11 grandchildren. Last night I met two beautiful flight attendants. They took me home and I made love to both of them. Twice.” The priest says, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?” “Never, Father, I’m Jewish,” the man replies. “So then, why are you telling me?” the priest asks, confused. The man responds, “I’m telling everybody!”
The Devon and Cornwall Music Festival has been cancelled. Organisers were unable to agree if The Jam or Cream should go on first!
One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "£80" the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to £60." "Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much." "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to £20." "Marvellous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday
My wife turned to me during her mother's funeral today and hissed under her breath, "When we get home later, I'm going to make you flipping pay for this!" This just came out of the blue For the life of me I couldn't think of what I had done to annoy her so much Then it struck me.... Maybe it's because I wasn't sharing my popcorn......
