Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven. God greets them and asks, "When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first cop says, "I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force." The second police officer says, "I would like to hear that I was a terrific cop who died in the line of duty." The last cop replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!"
BREAKING NEWS: Heathrow Airport police are concerned at the number of passengers smuggling helium filled balloons in their luggage. Cases continue to rise…
Saw a sign on the train saying "Please give this seat to an elderly person". So I unscrewed it and took it to my grandma's house.
Yesterday I was at my local store buying a large bag of Pedigree dog food for my loyal pets and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog. I was going on the Pedigree diet again, I added that I probably shouldn’t because I ended up in hospital the last time, but I’d lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV’s in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load up your pockets with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat one or two whenever you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention that now practically everyone in the queue was enthralled with my story.) Horrified, the woman asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the food had poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter’s arse and a car hit me. Well I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard. I am now banned from the Store
Sorry to anyone who felt my joke about herbs and fish was inappropriate. I realise there’s a thyme and a plaice for these things.
My wife came back from shopping, she said.. “I’ve just seen my gynaecologist in Tescos and he recognised me!” I said.. “you’ll have to start wearing longer skirts!”
My teacher said I’d never be able to do poetry because of my dyslexia. I sure showed her! So far I’ve made two pots and an ashtray.
An elderly man in Northern Australia had owned a large farm for many years. He had a large pond in the back which was properly shaped for swimming, so he'd fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he hadn't been there for a while and it was fruit picking season. He grabbed a twenty litre bucket to bring back some of the fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Then holding up the bucket, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile...' Some men may be old but can still think fast.
I’m a big fan of 1960’s tv Western series and googled ‘Bonanza’ and ‘Wagon Train’ However, I don’t recommend searching for ‘Whiplash’ and Rawhide’..........
Ted.. What did you say to Frank? He's in a terrible state Bob...Well he said he's got little bumps all over his body and I said my uncle had that and he was dead the next week Ted... Well you didn't have to tell him he died from it Bob... He didn't, he was hit by a bus
I went into the hairdressers today, I said, “what cut would make me look handsome?” She looked me up and down and said, “probably a power cut”
