God (in the Garden of Eden):”This is Eve, your mate.” Adam “Ok but who’s that?” and he points to an old man smoking a ciggie. God: “Oh that’s Keith Richards, he was here when I got here.”
I went to the supermarket helpdesk, and said to the assistant "I've just bought some deodorant, and two bodyguards followed me back to my car, what's going on??". He said "You've got 24 hour protection mate".
So I've just joined a brass band... I keep borrowing everybody else's instruments as I've never been one to blow my own trumpet.
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a packa...ge of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package." The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..............."
A painter gave a price to paint a church. When he got half way through, he realized he under bid the job, so he started thinning his paint. He finished at the end of the day. That night he tossed and turned all night. The next morning he got up and went to the church...sure enough his worse nightmares were realized. It had stormed all night and washed the thinned paint off half the church. As he stood there depressed with his head hung low, the clouds parted, the sun came out and a voice boomed from heaven: "Repaint, repaint and thin no more"
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake. I thought: "the streets are strangely desserted tonight".
My girlfriend and I went to see the new Batman movie last night on our 9th date. So far our dates have consisted of.......... Dinner Dinner Dinner Dinner Dinner Dinner Dinner Dinner Batman...
Mary answers a knock on her door. John, her husband's boss down at the brewery, was standing there and he said, " Hi Mary, unfortunately your husband, Greg, had an accident at work today and passed away." She starts crying and asks what happened. "He fell into a full vat of beer and drowned " he replied. "Oh, no. I hope he didn't suffer a lot." She sobbed. "I don't think he suffered too much, he got out three times to go to the toilet!"
