BREAKING NEWS! Engineers have just made a car that can run on parsley… Now they're hoping to make buses that run on thyme!
I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't actually mine. I must pay more attention during school pick-up.....
On the 1st of April all petrol stations will slash 50% off petrol and diesel. It's called April Fuels day....
Husband arrives home late for dinner, disgruntled wife says why are you so late. He says well i was in the yacht club and the President kept insisting on buying me drinks. Why would he do that she said. Well the other day he put a big tear in the sail of his yacht and I managed to find him a replacement. Oh yeah, she said, and where did you manage to find one. In the drawer where you keep your knickers he replied........
So I went into my local workmen's café this morning and said: "Can I have a cold mug of tea, two bits of bacon so hard I can break a tooth, cold baked beans, two cold half cooked eggs and can you make sure the top comes off the salt and don't wash up the knife and fork". The woman serving says: "That sounds disgusting! There is no way we can do that!" I said: "You managed it yesterday!!"
My job search: My first job was working in an orange juice factory but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack but I just couldn't hack it so they gave me the axe. After that , I tried being a tailor but I wasn't suited for it.. mainly because it was a sew-sew job. Next, I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting. Then I tried being a chef. I figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme. Next I attempted being a deli worker but any way I sliced it, I just couldn't cut the mustard. My best job was a musician but I wasn't noteworthy. I studied a long time to become a doctor but I had no patients. Next I had a job in a shoe factory but no matter how hard I tried, I just didn't fit in. I became a professional fisherman but I discovered I couldn't live on my net income. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company but the work was too draining. So then I got a job in a workout center but they said I wasn't fit for the job. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue. Well, he said, "It's what mummy calls me sometimes". The little girl screams to her brother, "Don't eat it, it's an asshole".
A lorry carrying 20 tons of onions has overturned on the M25 motorway. Motorists are looking for a hard shoulder to cry on....
So I was pulled over by a police car today. The officer asked, "Do you know why I've pulled you over sir?" "No officer," I replied. "Well," he said, "This doesn't happen very often, but I've been following you for the last ten or so miles and your driving is exemplary. Correct road positioning, perfect observation and due regard for other road users". "Thanks," I said, "So you reckon it's worth me getting a licence then officer?"
So what they should really say on those daytime cooking shows: "Hello and welcome to 'pointless cooking that has nothing to do with anyone's actual life'. Today, we are making a very complicated recipe, using ingredients you don't have, utensils you've never heard of, and in a kitchen that is bigger than your whole house!!"
My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture." "Oh Jack, "she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."
A blonde is overweight so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days," he tells her. "Then skip a day and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly four stone. "Why that's amazing," the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nods. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger you mean?" Asks the doctor. "No," replies the blonde, "from skipping."
Thanks everyone for your concern. I'm OK, I was a bit shaken up though. I was robbed at the petrol station earlier this morning. After my hands stopped trembling, I managed to call the Police. They were quick to respond and calmed me down because my blood pressure went through the roof! My money is gone however. The police asked me if I knew who did it and I told them, “Yes, it was pump number 2.”
A local man has been admitted to hospital with a golf ball lodged in his bottom. His wife said its gone up a fairway.
