I asked my doctor if he could refer me to a specialist about my addiction to board games. Draughts, Snakes and ladders, Scrabble.... He asked "Any Chess?" So I said no, I'd rather go private.
Paddy and Mick are at a job interview for a labourer by a builder, Paddy goes first and is asked, "If you lost an eye, what would you be?" He answers, "Half blind." Then he was asked, "What would you be if you lost both eyes?" He answers, "Blind."... Builder says, "Great, you got the job - send Mick in." Mick over heard the interview and thinks, "Great, I'll just give the same answers." The builder asks, "If you lost an ear, what would you be?" Mick says, "Half blind." Then was asked, "What about if you lost both ears?" Mick says, "Blind." The builder, a bit puzzled, asked, "How would that be?" Mick says, "My hat would slip down!!..
Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the woods to visit her granny when she hears a rustling noise in the bushes. " Who's there?" she says, and The Wolf scampers off. She walks on a short way and hears the rustling again. "Who's there? Is that you, Big Bad Wolf?" she asks, and The Wolf scampers off again. She walks further on and hears the rustling yet again. "Is that you Big Bad Wolf?" And the Big Bad Wolf says, "I wish you'd f*ck off, I'm trying to have a sh*t !".
I was diagnosed today by my doctor, who seems to be obsessed with Tina Turner . . . . she said “you’re simply depressed”
A MAN AND WOMAN WERE MARRIED FOR MANY YEARS. Whenever there a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I'll dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. He died at the ripe old age of 98. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?" The wife said, "LET HIM DIG. I HAD HIM BURIED UPSIDE DOWN...AND I KNOW HE WON'T ASK FOR DIRECTIONS."
Little Johnny had been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked his, "Grandma what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?" She was a little taken aback but she decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse darling." Little Johnny said "Oh OK" and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily "Grandma it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you.
