What day of the week is it thread

An old farmer got into his truck and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the homestead door.
A young boy, about nine, opened the door.
Mornin'. Is your Dad home, son'? The farmer asked.
'Sorry Sir, he isn't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'
'Well,' said the farmer, 'Is your Mom here, then'?
'No, sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad.'
'How about your brother, Greg? Is he here'?
'He went with Mum and Dad.'
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
'Is there anything I can do for ya'? The boy asked politely. 'I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad.'
'Well,' said the farmer uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to your Dad.
It's about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant.'
The boy considered for a moment.
'You would have to talk to Dad about that,' he finally conceded.
'If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I really don't know how much he gets for Greg.

 

Someone threw fabric conditioner at me in Tesco.

Didn't see the label but must have been Lenor. It was too close for Comfort

 

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BREAKING:
In an effort to win the constructor’s title, the Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday and replaced them with just four scousers. This announcement follows a recent documentary showing how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high-tech equipment. It was thought to be a bold move by the Ferrari management as most races are won and lost in the pits. However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for!
At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mercedes team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's ex-bird in the shower.

 

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An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender says to him,
"You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it but it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin.
When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we all used to drink together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way.
He orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints.
All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,
"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your sad loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me......I've quit drinking!"

 

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