SPECTACLE WEARERS: When you're having your morning dump, clean the lenses of your glasses with some toilet paper. You can then use the same piece to wipe your arse, saving paper and money. Note of caution - It MUST be done in that order!
Has to be the classic HOME OWNERS: Save money on expensive carpet by attaching two deep pile carpet tiles to your bare feet with elastic
On meeting your prospective in-laws for the first time, try to refrain from wearing that amusing t-shirt with 'qualified muff-diver' on the front.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they`re always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc `tastes exactly like the real thing`, they won`t know any difference.
JOB SEEKERS: People whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.
Some were just bizarre. "Increase the weight, of your husband's trousers, by attaching onions to the belt loops.
just cos you're jealous, anyway my tip that was retweeted was: PRETEND to be an X-Factor judge by informing buskers that they have picked the wrong song.
Buskers - pretend to be an X factor winner by going to London for 4 months and then returning to your former job as a busker saying " I prefer the more intimate nature of singing to people who are rushing by"
If you get a job interview, change your name by deed poll to "Toblerone"...that way, if successfu,l you'll have a ready-made triangular name plate for your desk...
PHILANTHROPISTS. Be careful when giving street alcoholics money for 'a cup of tea', as some of the less scrupulous ones may be tempted to spend it on strong liquor.
If you are an unemployed Punk Rocker with a crimson mohican do not stand in Southampton high street last Saturday with a pathetic hand drawn cardboard sign saying "photos with a Punk only £1!" Firstly the Punk boat has long since sailed secondly £1 is a bit steep third you were too dirty and ugly to be photographed fourth - get a real job
Football Managers: The goal is the rectangular structure at either end of the pitch. You win matches by scoring more goals than the opposition. (One for Gus)
Top Tip If you are a Uruguyan player or ex player " IT IS NEVER ACCEPTABLE TO SPIT AT PEOPLE OR CONDONE SPITTING"
Eh ???? Never go East of Eden.....or North by North West.....or visit South Pacific.....or,or, oh never mind.....
