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Viz Top Tips

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Oct 12, 2011.

  1. devonFRATTONiser

    devonFRATTONiser Well-Known Member
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    SPECTACLE WEARERS: When you're having your morning dump, clean the lenses of your glasses with some toilet paper. You can then use the same piece to wipe your arse, saving paper and money.

    Note of caution - It MUST be done in that order!
     
    #21
  2. Gonch

    Gonch Member

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    Has to be the classic HOME OWNERS: Save money on expensive carpet by attaching two deep pile carpet tiles to your bare feet with elastic
     
    #22
  3. On meeting your prospective in-laws for the first time, try to refrain from wearing that amusing t-shirt with 'qualified muff-diver' on the front.
     
    #23
  4. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they`re always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc `tastes exactly like the real thing`, they won`t know any difference.
     
    #24
  5. Gonch

    Gonch Member

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    JOB SEEKERS: People whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.
     
    #25
  6. pompeymeowth

    pompeymeowth Prepare for trouble x
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    Some were just bizarre.
    "Increase the weight, of your husband's trousers, by attaching onions to the belt loops.
     
    #26
  7. MMJ

    MMJ Well-Known Member

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    i've only gone and been retweeted by the top tips twitter account :D
     
    #27
  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    You can probably get ointment from your GP for that <laugh>
     
    #28
  9. MMJ

    MMJ Well-Known Member

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    just cos you're jealous, anyway my tip that was retweeted was: PRETEND to be an X-Factor judge by informing buskers that they have picked the wrong song.
     
    #29
  10. olddellboy

    olddellboy Well-Known Member

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    Buskers - pretend to be an X factor winner by going to London for 4 months and then returning to your former job as a busker saying " I prefer the more intimate nature of singing to people who are rushing by"
     
    #30

  11. milton archer

    milton archer Well-Known Member

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    If you get a job interview, change your name by deed poll to "Toblerone"...that way, if successfu,l you'll have a ready-made triangular name plate for your desk...
     
    #31
  12. devonFRATTONiser

    devonFRATTONiser Well-Known Member
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    PHILANTHROPISTS. Be careful when giving street alcoholics money for 'a cup of tea', as some of the less scrupulous ones may be tempted to spend it on strong liquor.
     
    #32
  13. hotbovril

    hotbovril Well-Known Member

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    DOG LOVERS. Reduce your chances of going blind by only buying brown or black labradors.
     
    #33
  14. olddellboy

    olddellboy Well-Known Member

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    If you are an unemployed Punk Rocker with a crimson mohican do not stand in Southampton high street last Saturday with a pathetic hand drawn cardboard sign saying "photos with a Punk only £1!"

    Firstly the Punk boat has long since sailed

    secondly £1 is a bit steep

    third you were too dirty and ugly to be photographed

    fourth - get a real job
     
    #34
  15. ChilcoSaint

    ChilcoSaint What a disgrace
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    Football Managers: The goal is the rectangular structure at either end of the pitch. You win matches by scoring more goals than the opposition. (One for Gus)
     
    #35
  16. fran-MLs little camera

    fran-MLs little camera Well-Known Member

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    tbf Brighton were aiming at the rectangular structures..shame they were the tv screens!
     
    #36
  17. ChilcoSaint

    ChilcoSaint What a disgrace
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    <laugh>
     
    #37
  18. olddellboy

    olddellboy Well-Known Member

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    Top Tip If you are a Uruguyan player or ex player " IT IS NEVER ACCEPTABLE TO SPIT AT PEOPLE OR CONDONE SPITTING"
     
    #38
  19. milton archer

    milton archer Well-Known Member

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    Never go North of Southampton.....
     
    #39
  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Eh ????

    Never go East of Eden.....or North by North West.....or visit South Pacific.....or,or, oh never mind.....:emoticon-0100-smile
     
    #40

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