Morning Ron. A wise man once said to me... If you love her, let her go. No... Wait. Sorry. Got that wrong. A policeman once shouted out at me ... If you love her, let her go and come out with your hands up! Yeah that was it. Good times, good times.
I was best man at my mates and a groomsman friend of mine (Andy) was supposed to read out the cards of people that were unable to attend but he was too shy to get up and speak to everyone. During my speach I mentioned that Andy would be performing a beautiful poem about love following my speach. His face went red and he started shaking his head but after I toasted the couple a few of my other friends heckled him for a speach as everyone joined in to try and get him up. I passed on the same trick to another friend who was best man and this time the fella took the mic, stood up and tried to make up a Roses are red, violets are blue poem, but stood there bewildered as everyone laughed him back down into his seat.
Start off with a laugh, worked for me What a happy duty it is to welcome the new baby into this World ..... oh hang on, no, that's the Christening speech for next month
Alternately, you could always throw this in if your brave or a fast runner If the bride isn't the slimmest girl in the world but isn't too touchy about it either: "I think it's great that she decided to get into shape for this wedding. It's just a shame the shape she chose was a circle".
You should tell them all about the time you thought it would be a good idea to show us all a video of your daughter. And wee unanimously agreed she would get pumped.
The christening one is good, you can use it at the end too. "I'd just like to say how nice it is to see family and friends together, hopefully we'll see you all in eight months time for the christening." When the groom was born he was so ugly the midvies had morning sickness. (f he's a fatty) The groom likes his food but he he does have a very balanced diet.....a kebab in one hand and a burger king in the other.
I spoke about my duties as a best man, one being that it was vital to make sure the groom gets a good nights sleep before the wedding day..... "Well I'm pleased to say that last night <grooms name> slept like a baby..............he wet the bed twice and woke up every half hour crying for his mum".
Thanks for coming all those who are struggling to hear me are probably the ones at the back because you bought the happy couple ****e presents Announce that there has been some confusion over the honeymoon destination!! The bride seems to think they are going to (wherever they are going) but the groom says they are going to Wales!! Well he keeps telling me he's going to Bangor for a week!! "I've known ____ for many years and in some ways you could say I've been a father figure to him. I watched him drink from a bottle, I watched him stagger around naked, I watched him crawl, I've dressed and undressed him, cleaned up after him … and that was only last night I said to (groom)yesterday i'm sure you'll remember today as being the happiest day of your life." "But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," he replied. "That's exactly what I mean." I was a wee bit nervous about being [groom's] best man today, but [groom] says if I do a good job today then I can be the best man at his next wedding as well. Not a one liner, but something that was done at a wedding i went to. The couple put lucky dip lottery tickets on the tables instead of favours..... the best man picked a guy he didnt like too much (i.e the joker,clown) and wrote down his numbers. He then during the speech preceeded to read out his numbers..... the guy was running up and down the hall shouting yes yes yes.....up shaking the bride and grooms hands thanking them soo much! The Best man then dropped in the real numbers at the end of his speech. The guys wife is still not speaking to the best man..... she'd spent the money in her head already no doubt!!
The groom was walking down the aisle and had the biggest, happiest grin on his face. Best man said, "I know your getting married mate but why the big happy face" Groom said "10 minutes ago I had the best blow job of my life, and I am now marrying her" Bride walks down the aisle with an even bigger, happier grin on her face. Bridesmaid asks her why? Bride " I just gave the last blow job for the rest my life"
I'm a little nervous, so this is not the first time I've stood up today from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand...
Thank you all for your contributions. They have all been passed on (well most) and I'll let you know which ones were used and how it went. The best man is now on his way to the hotel and the wedding is tomorrow. Thanks again Much appreciated Ron
You're most welcome Ron. is your daughter going to the wedding? If so where is the wedding (exactly)? I just need a town, specific address and start time. Thanks in advance SSK.
