Cheryl Cole goes to the hairdressers. "Alreet, bonnie lass. What d'yee fancy the day, like?" "I think I'd like a perm" "Okay. 'I wandered lurnley as a clood what flurts on hay o'er hill an' vale'"
A blind Mackem enters a Geordie pub by mistake. He finds his way to the bar and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the landlord: "Hey, you wanna hear a joke about the Geordies?" The pub falls absolutely silent. The lad next to him says: "Before yer tell us yer joke bonnie lad, there's a few things yer shud knaa: 1 - The landlord is a Geordie. 2 - The booncer is a Geordie. 3 - I'm a 6ft 6in taall, 220-poond Geordie with a black belt in kerartee. 4 - The lad sitting next to us is a Geordie, and is a pro weightlifta. 5 - The lad to your reet is a Geordie, and is a pro wrestla. Noo, think aboot it seriously, marra. Do you still wanna tell yer Geordie joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares: Nah...not if Ah'm gonna have to explain it five times like.
Geordie family are having a barbie and the dad says to the mother "do you know what I found on the patio - a condom" - so the geordie 5 year old looked up at his dad and said "dad whats a patio"
Geordie said to his mate : 'The wife's having a bairn in Rake Lane Hospital today !' His pal said : 'Is she dilated ?' 'Wey man' said Geordie 'We're both of us over the moon !!!'
Drunk walking down the street, finds a dead woman. thinks "thats handy" starts giving her one. copper nicks him. charges him with shagging a dead woman. in his defence he said " I thought she was from Newcastle"
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
Martin O'Neil is desperate to find out how Pardew coaches Newcastle so he asks to be invited along to one of the training sessions. After watching for some time he sees nothing that Sunderland don't also do in their training. When they break for lunch he asks Pardew how he gets the players reactions so razor-sharp. "I train them mentally as well as physically" says the silver haired adonis "i keep them on their toes with tough questions that make them think deeply. Let me give you an example". He calls over Colocinni and says "Sideshow, he is not your brother but he is still your fathers son. Who is he?". Colo responds immediately "That's easy, its me". Pardew pats O'Neil on the back and sends him on his way. The next day in training O'Neil decides to try it out. "Titus, come over here i have a question for you". Titus lumbers over and says "fire away boss". "Right Titus, he is not your brother but he is still your fathers son. Who is he?". Bemused Titus asks for more time to consider it whilst training. He craftily calls John O'Shea over and puts the question to him - "that's easy, its me" says the Irishman. At the end of the training session O'Neil calls Bramble over and says "so have you worked it out then?". "Yes boss" replies Titus "its John O'Shea". O'Neil throws his hands up exasperated. "You thick ****! Its Colo!"
Geordie walks into a pub looks at the blackboard then asks the buxom barmaid for a quickie - so she slaps his face - a southerner sitting at the bar says to the geordie "I think you will find its pronounced Quiche mate"
If you see a Geordie on a bike, why should you never swerve to hit him? It might be your bike. Why wasn't Jesus born in newcastle? Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
Whats a Newcastle virgin ? lost me on that one, didnt think there was such a thing. you live and learn
A pretty young Geordie girl knocked on my door and asked if I had any old clothing. I said Yes but what would I get in return. She said I could play with her breasts. I thought…That’s Fair….Tit for Tat.
