The weekend wit thread

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I forgot to put the seat belt on my five-year-old boy this morning.
As we were leaving the car park, somebody shouted, "You are an irresponsible father!"
I said, "Who the **** was that? Stop the car, son."

John Terry won't be facing trial for racial abuse until after Euro 2012.
So he's free to lead his country into Poland.
Just like his hero did
 
What's the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos and a sock takes five toes...

Oh well, me bairns liked it...:redface:
 
Two monkeys in a bath the first one says "ooh ooh aah aah ooh", the second one says "well put some cold in then.
 
A government warning said that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a shovel, blankets, a sleeping bag, extra clothing including an extra hat, scarf, gloves and coat, a 24 hour supply of food and drink, de-icer, rock salt, torch, spare batteries, tow rope, warning triangle, petrol, jump leads and a first aid kit.


I looked a right twat on the bus this morning
 
I went to Switzerland for a supervised suicide. I arrived just in time for the welcome breakfast........ The sick bastards were serving Cheerios.
 
I went to the petshop today and i said to the assistant.

"How much are your Bee's"

She said "We don,t sell Bee's"

i said well there is one in the window lol
 
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to **** your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
 
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