The Sick Joke Thread (not for the easily offended)

I think I know your mate, he was at Stevie Wonder's final live concert shouting " Jazz chord, jazz chord " all through the concert.

Stevie Wonder got a bit pissed off with him and shouted back " I don't know that one "

Your mate shouted back " You do, you do "..." I jazz chord to say I ruv you "

 

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."
"Ja."

 

Haha classic!

 

The lot of them are devious pricks! Asking for donations when they all have 3 or 4 yachts in the drive way!

 

A policeman spots a black bloke dancing on the roof of a VW car. He radios for back-up saying "I've got a black fellah dancing on a car roof." You can't say that over the radio" said the operator, "You've got to use the politically correct terminology" "OK" he says. " Zulu.... Tango.... Golf"

 

Did you see that horrible accident Katie Price had on live TV the other night?

Harvey.



Carlsberg don't do stereotypes...

but Steven Gerrard does.


A woman at work with huge tits said to me earlier:

"Having these things really puts a lot of strain on my shoulders. I don't suppose you could give them a rub, could you?"

I'm due to appear in court next week.

 

I knew a blind man who bled to death trying read a cheese grater.

 

It must have been me...."Trying TO read a cheese grater"..

 

Spent some time at the wifes grave last night. Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a fish pond.

 

Two blokes having a pint and one says " I'm a lucky man, my wife's an angel "

The other fella says " You are a lucky man, my bugger's still alive "

 

The catholic church has announced condoms may now be used in certain exceptional circumstances, for example, if an alter boy has diarrhoea.

 

Being a *****phile living in Liverpool, I try to attract girls aged 13 to 14...

As these are usually the ones with the youngest kids.

 

My uncle was over in Japan and called me in surprise saying that the whole country are massive NUFC fans.

They are all running around shoutin Toonaamy, Toonaamy, Toonaamy!!!

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My japanese girlfriend dumped me!

Not to worry, there are plenty more in the sea!

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Don't give any money to Japan appeals, its a big scam. Sure they are minted over there already, saw on the TV every house had a boat in the garden!

 

Bought a porn film the other day entitled 'Jordan's Dribbling ****'.

Turned out to be just a home video of Harvey

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I hate when you send a text to the wrong person

I text my sister the other day saying 'I can't for you to get home so I can **** you right in the ass you sexy bitch'

Imagine if I'd sent that to the wrong person!

 

Rep!

 

sickipedia'd but..



I said to this girl, "Did you know the Argentine blue-bill duck has for its size, the largest penis of any vertebrate, over half it's body length?"

"Get out of here," she said.

"It's true," I replied, "and did you know that the blue whale ejaculates around five gallons of sperm?"

"No, get out of here," she said again, "this is the ladies toilets, you ****ing pervert."

 

I recently bought my wife the latest ultra-realistic dildo.

It goes soft before she reaches orgasm.

 

To my Lover,

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
When I masturbate I think of you,

Love Dad. xx

 

Jeez, me and the girl I'm shagging at the moment have got so much in common.

Like parents.

 

I hear that emo's like to cut themselves. They aren't the only ones to do it though.

I also like to cut emo's.