The Sick Joke Thread (not for the easily offended)

Apologies for lack of this having anything to do with NUFC but I posted quite a few jokes in general chat earlier and thought toon fans would appreciate these gems...




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Women goes to Doctor complaing of stomach cramps. Doctor does some tests.

"Not sure how to tell you this but I think you'll be needing to buy some nappies in 9 months time" says the Doctor

"I'm pregnant?!" the woman replies "This is wonderful news!"

"No, you have bowel cancer"

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What's the difference between a washing machine and a 15 year old girl?
A dishwasher won't follow you around for 3 months after you dump a load in it.

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Latest Score From International Friendly
France 8 Ethiopa didn't.

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My daughter's school uniform is quite slutty
That's just one advantage of home-schooling.

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What file do you use to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole?
A paedophile.

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I don't have sex with my girlfriend on religious grounds.
Graveyards **** me up

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I beat my wife at dominos the other night.
She needs to learn that I choose the pizza toppings.

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I'm pretty sure Maddie is dead by now
But I can't risk calling in the doctor to check.

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Had my wallet stolen the other day down the pub

Police say the robber is now using my identity.

Jokes on him though, I'm a registered paedophile and sex offender!

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Chatting to my teenage son...

He said that he lost his virginity at a party the other night.

I said "Good on ya son, did you use something?"

"Yeah" he replied "A balaclava"

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Dr Smith sleeps with one of his patients...

He is tortured with guilt.

In one ear his evil conscience is saying

"You're a single man... Dont worry about it...."

In his other ear is his heavenly conscience is saying

"You're a ****ing vet, you sick bastard"

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Was watching a porno the other day and this girl managed to gag on the bloke's cock for up to five minutes at a time. Amazed by such a performance, I tried this with my wife and ended up killing her.

Turns out that I just have a slow internet connection.

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I love it when the ice cream van starts coming round

I can see what's on offer for the long summer months.

And which of them can deep throat a Mini Milk.

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My girlfriend called me a paedophile the other day...

I was in absolute shock...

...that's a pretty big word for a 5 year old.

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I'm all ready for this fancy dress party...

I'm going as Gary Glitter. The costume turned up this morning

It's a bit small though, looks like it's for ****ing kids!

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I went to my new girlfriend's for tea the other night

As she was cooking she told me to turn the veg on. Apparently fingering her disabled sister was not what she meant.

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I still remember playtime at school...

A bit of footy, sneaking a quick cigarette and trying to finger girls behind the bike sheds....

I ****in loved that caretaker job.

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Watching my wife being fingered by another woman, I decided to do what any normal man would do and I had a ****.

The midwife wasnt happy and I'm now banned from the hospital..

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My ex-girlfriend used to give me nicknames whilst giving me head.

"The Impaler" was my favourite.

Well, at least, that's what I thought she said....

Turns out she's asthmatic and it's my fault she died.

 

Lmao Some of them jokes are mint.

 

class, Frankie Boyle would be proud!

 

Anyone else use Sickopedia?

 

I find about 1 in every 10 jokes on there are funny. Still good for browsing.

 

Little Johnny got kicked out of class today! The teacher asked him, "If I gave you £20 and you paid £5 to Joanne, £5 to Jane and £5 to Katie, what would you have?"
Apparently, "Three blowjobs and enough left for a kebab," was the wrong answer.

 

got it bookmarked. i've got a joke on there with like 2000 points too


not this one though:
Whats the worst thing about being a paedophile?
you just dont fit in.

 

Subway is similar to prostitution. You pay other people to do your wife's job

 

Yeh but searching through the crap ones is a worthy price to pay

 

http://www.sickipedia.org/

if you're not clued in

 

They are class Gashead!!

 

What's the difference between a fanny and a fridge?

A fridge doesn't fart when you take your meat out.

 

from sickipedia..
I saw a woman in the supermarket, struggling to control her kids. She looked really stressed. Then she accidently knocked over and smashed a bottle of milk.

She dropped to her knees and burst into tears, surrounded by spilled milk. It reminded me of something my dad used to say to my mum, so I walked over to her and said;

"Get a ****ing grip, you stupid bitch."

 

What do you call the ocean next to New Zealand?

Australia

 

Quality hahaha.



Man in an antiques shop pick up a brass cat and asks the man how much he wants for it, to which he replies '£50 for the cat and £50 for it's story'. The guy decides to take the cat but not the story. On leaving the man notices cats following him. By the time he gets to a nearby river there's thousands following, so he throws the brass cat in the river and all the cats jump in and drown. The man goes back to the shop and the shopkeeper says 'I knew you'd be back for the story'. The guy says, '**** the story, have you got a brass Paki?'.

 

Some quality jokes there!

 

I salute you Gashead, quality jokes.

 

Did you hear about the bloke with no cock? ................................... He went home and give his wife a right good bollocking

 

BUMP!

What's blue and ****s kids?

Me and my lucky blue suit!

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It's about time we had a thread like this I'll be bookmarking this page for future reference. Cheers!