Man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The clerks called 9 1 1 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. "Do you have health insurance?" she asked. He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?" He replied, "No money in the bank." "Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments, asked the irritated nun? He said, "I only have a spinster sister and she is a nun." The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Perfect." "Send the bill to my brother-in-law!!..
A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's bum was that eye staring right back at him. "You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me.
A blind man stood by the station every day selling matches for 20p from a tray. A man used to come out of the station each morning and put 20p on the tray but never used to take the matches. One morning he drops 20p on the tray as usual, and as he walks away the blind man shouted: "Excuse me! But are you the man that always puts 20p on my tray but doesn't take any matches" The man said, "Yes, that's me". The blind man said, "I think you should know that they went up to 30p last week".
I just bought a book on how to stop procrastinating. I’m going to read it tomorrow…... or possibly the day after…...... maybe next week…
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.
Two old ladies sat on a bench on Brighton Sea Front A naked jogger ran up to them As he passed the first one she had a stroke The second one sadly couldn't reach him
For her birthday I took my girlfriend to an orchard where we stood looking at trees for half an hour.. Not the Apple Watch she was expecting apparently
Teacher: "Johnny, can you use the word “gruesome” in a sentence?" Johnny: "Yes ma’am, I used to be shorter, then I gruesome."
A bishop, a nun, and a football agent were adrift on a life raft in the tropics. At last they sighted land. But the wind died down while they were still a short way from the beach. The football agent, the only one who could swim, volunteered to go ashore with a line and pull the raft to land. The bishop and nun fell to their knees to pray for his safety. Then the agent dived in. His companions saw the black fin of a shark making straight for him. The shark disappeared, then came up on the other side, having passed under the swimmer. The agent seemed unperturbed, slowly switching to different swimming strokes, seemingly enjoying the exercise. Shortly, the bishop and nun saw an ever bigger shark darting toward the football agent, but again, this one also swerved just in time. After the agent had reached shallow water, he pulled the raft ashore, and as the bishop and nun jumped off the raft to safety, they simultaneously exclaimed, “There is proof of the power of prayer.” “Power of prayer, be damned!” retorted the agent. “That was just professional courtesy.”
I saw a sign on a friends door which read : "Beware of the budgie" I said: `That won't scare off anybody " " Oh, yes it will, " he said." It whistles for the rottweiler "
