The government are considering spending £3million on a state funeral for Margaret Thatcher when she dies. For £3million they could buy everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we'll dig a hole deep enough to deliver her to Satan ourselves. Frankie Boyle
Not only will America go to your country and kill all your people. But they'll come back 20 years later and make a movie about how killing your people made their soldiers feel sad. Frankie Boyle
"I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by." Douglas Adams (author and writer)
David Boon getting sledged about his weight Boon replied " every time I shag your Mrs she give me a biscuit
"What? Men dodging this way for single bullets? What will you do when they open fire along the whole line? I am ashamed of you. They couldn't hit an elephant at this distance." The supposed last words of Union Army General John Sedgwick before he was shot in the head and killed by a sharp-shooter.
The 33 or 34-year-olds will be 36 or 37 by the time the next World Cup comes around, if they're not careful. Kevin Keegan
"Next Christmas the iPod will be dead, finished, gone, kaput." - some jumped-up market stall trader, February 2005