Given - I'd heard 'white men can't jump', seems it also applies to Irish keepers of pensionable age
Johnson - coming back from long layoff, so excuses
Shawcross - shadow of his former self; arguably 'gone'
Cameron - not a professional footballer
Martins Indi - thank **** it was a loan
Whelan - can't run, pass, shoot or tackle - otherwise, fine
Allen - he tries at least
Bojan - touch of a rapist
Walters - more dangerous in his own box
Arnautovic - poor, but did try and cover back
Bony - as mobile as one of those yaks that carry baggage up Everest
From a Stoke forum - note martins Indi