True story, i had one of them calls, the conversation went like this.... Caller,,, good afternoon i am just contacting you regarding your recent traffic accident Me...Which one? Caller...pardon? Me...i have had three in the last two weeks, which one are you talking about? Caller...**** off, hung up
A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky. When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, "Where is everybody?" "They've gone to the hanging." "Hanging? Who are they hanging?" "Brown Paper Pete," "What kind of a name is that?" "Well, he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes." "What are they hanging him for?" "Rustling."
In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches, etc.) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Skinner, he's my right-hand man, and he’s really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless." Skinners was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one-eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed, and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Skinners, old man, tell your new CO about yourself." "Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment, and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....." The colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Skinners, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to f*ck off..."
Gentlemen, please show this to your better half, for a quiet life. Mens perspective These are our rules which our Ladies need to understand :- Please note.... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! 1. Boobs are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don’t try to change that. 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If its up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Saturday = Sports. Its like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. and no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work! strong hints do not work! obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. 1. if something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 1. you can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what Mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 1. if we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing’, we will act like nothings wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. 1. Don’t ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Sex, Sport, or Cars. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round is a shape. 1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, its like camping.
“Dear Jim’ll Fix It, can you fix it for me to meet Rolf Harris”. “Can ya tell what it is yet?” “Yes Rolf I can, and I don’t like it. Please stop.” I had an idyllic childhood, none of those Xboxes and ****.
This is a story to inspire you to reach for your dreams and never, ever give up. Many years ago my mate's missus came a close second in the Miss England 1997 competition. Later that year she was beset by a long period of bad luck. She suffered years of drug and alcohol abuse and a series of eating disorders. She lost a leg and needed facial reconstruction surgery after a road traffic accident. Later, she suffered 90% burns in an unprovoked acid attack. Several of her teeth were knocked out and an eye gouged out in a fight outside a KFC takeaway. The stress caused severe hair loss and facial warts. But she NEVER stopped believing and then finally, last month, she was crowned Miss everton 2022.
