Bob the builder goes up to a girl in a nightclub and says, "I have an 8 inch dick and can shag all night"... After a few beers she takes Bob home with her. The next morning she says, "You said you had an 8 inch dick and could last all night. Instead you have a 5inch dick and lasted 3 minutes"... Bob replies "I'm a builder love. It was an estimate"...
UK RAISES ALERT LEVEL The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent Russian threats and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. The Russians have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada. The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s Get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability. Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.” The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.” Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
A ninety year old aboriginal elder sat in his humpy eyeing two government 'Welfare' officials sent to interview him. One official said to him: "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You have seen his wars and his technological advances. You have seen his progress and the damage he has done." The elder nodded in agreement. The official continued: "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the whitefella go wrong?" The elder stared at the two government officials for over a minute and then he calmly replied: "When whitefella found the land, blackfellas were running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty kangaroo, Plenty fish, Women did all the work, Medicine man free, Aboriginal man spent all day hunting and fishing, All night having sex." Then the elder leaned back and smiled: "Only whitefella bloody stupid enough to think he could improve a system like that."
One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden. “You’re a goblin,” she says, “I caught you and you owe me three wishes!” So the goblin replies “OK, you caught me fair and square, what’s your first wish?” The woman stops and thinks for a second, “I want a huge mansion to live in.”, goblins replies “OK, you’ve got it.” Woman again thinks it over, “My second wish is a Mercedes.” “OK, you’ve got that too.” “My last wish is a million dollars!”. The goblin then says “OK, you’ve got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have to make love to me all night.” She replies, “OK then, if that’s what it takes…” Next morning the little man wakes the woman up. “Tell me,” says the man, “how old are you?” “I’m 27″, she replies “Isn’t that something”, says the man, “27 and you still believe in goblins?”
So this fella got chatting to this girl in a bar, "Can I buy you a drink?" he asked. "Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends. ""No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," he assured her. "Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine please. A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle they headed off back to her place and made passionate love. While he was putting his clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?" He said, "My wife found out."
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
