A bloke went on Stars in their eyes. Mathew Kelly said, "welcome to the show Simon. I hear you are very lucky to be with us tonight. Please tell the audience what happened" Well Matthew, I was in a terrible accident with my uncle and sadly he was killed. I lost my right arm and my right leg but they found that my uncles leg and arm were completely compatible with mine so they grafted them on to my body and here I am Mathew. Perfectly well. Mathew Kelly said, That's absolutely wonderful news isn't it ladies and gentlemen. So tell us Simon, who are you going to be tonight and he replied, Tonight Matthew, I'm going to be Simon and half uncle.
"Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus today, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket." "It's not semen!" she replied, "It's probably yoghurt." "It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yoghurt."
Bob Hope was on 'Surprise Surprise', and bragged that despite his 97 years of age, he could still have Sex three times a night. After the show, Cilla said, "Bob, if I'm not being too forward, I'd love to have Sex with an older man, let's go back to my place". So they go back to her place and have great Sex. Afterwards, Bob says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for a half hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I'm sleeping, hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand."Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay." He sleeps for half an hour,awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Bob says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my testicles in your left hand, and my penis in your right hand." Cilla once again says, "Great Bob, but tell me, does my holding your Testicles in my left hand and your Penis in my right stimulate you while you're sleeping?" Bob replies, "No, but the last time I slept with a Scouser, she stole my ****ing Wallet"..
