Off Topic The 'Like' Brothel

A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET.
HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP.

THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK..
BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.

HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE."

BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MUMMY... I JUST HAVEN'T DONE IT YET."

MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"
BILLY SAYS:
"IT WORKS ON THE TOMATO SAUCE BOTTLE!"

 

Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training.
After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah, Francois," asks one, "ow 'av you been doing?"
"Merde!" answers Francois. "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and on to ze parade ground."
"And zen what 'appened?"
"I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform two metres off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"
"And did you jurmp?"
"I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp Two metres. Eet is beneath my dignity."
"And zen what 'appened?"
"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform five metres off ze ground, and 'e said "Jurmp."
"And did you jurmp?"
"I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five metres. Eet is beneath my dignity."
"What 'appened zen?"
"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform thirty metres above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely, and 'e said 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burme!'"
"Sacre Bleu, mon ami. And did you jurmp?"
"A leetle, at ze beginning.".

 

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A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

 

A trucker came into a truck stop restaurant and placed his order. “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.”
The brand-new waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. … What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?”
“No,” the cook said. “Three flat tires means three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards is two slices of crisp bacon!”
“Oh … OK!” replied the waitress. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, “What are the beans for?”
She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!”

 

An interesting concept?

You might not know this...but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.

Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in...but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off....it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed...but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object... Because to get them to go anywhere.....you have to light a fire under their arse.
SPONGES: These are female..because they are soft......squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES: Female...because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male... Because they always use the same old lines for picking up people..
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because....over time...all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male..... Because in the last 5000 years.....they've hardly changed at all...and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male...but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it...and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push...he just keeps trying

 

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My wife just asked me what I wanted for my birthday.
I said, "I would really love a blow job."
She said, "Well your dad asked me to find out so I will let him know!"

 

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Lads, if your lass has a huge vagina, for heavens sake take my advice and don't mention it.
I once put my foot right in it.

 

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following Weekend he came home a little tired but
otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?"
The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box.

 

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures. Over a double latte, Alexandros mentions proudly: "We built the Parthenon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo."
"Aye,” Paddy replies, “and it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."
"But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics", said Alexandros.
"Granted,” Paddy concedes, “but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces."
Knowing that he's about to deliver the coup de grace, Alexandros, the proud son of Athens points out with a note of finality: "Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!"
"Aye! True enough,” Paddy rebuked, "but it was the Irish who got women involved."

 

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It’s now got to the stage in my marriage where me and the wife have gone our separate ways and will be spending a considerable amount of time apart . . . . she’s gone shopping for shoes.

 

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