Off Topic The 'Like' Brothel

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

I was called today by a woman conducting a phone survey.

She said ‘What do you know about dwarves?’

I replied... ‘Very little.’

 

How do you console an English Teacher?

There, their, they're.

 

Primary School Children Writing About The Sea

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jamie age 6)
3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)
4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
5) A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of its head. (Billy age 7)
6) My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs. (Emily age 5)
7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
8 )I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.(Becky age 8 )
13) On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny (Julie age 7)

 

Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."
The Englishman opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Ham and English mustard again! If I get ham and mustard one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The Scotsman opened his lunch and said, "Haggis again. If I get a haggis sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
Next day The Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death.
The Englishman opens his lunch, sees ham and English mustard and jumps too.
The Scotsman opens his lunch, sees the haggis and jumps to his death also.
At the funeral The Englishman’s wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of ham and mustard I never would have given it to him again!
The Scotsman’s wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him cheese! I didn't realise he hated haggis so much."
Everyone turned and stared at The Irishman’s wife. "Hey, don't look at me" she said. "He makes his own lunch"

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

Irish math’s test
Paddy wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little math’s test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.”
“Without numbers?” Paddy says? “Dat’s easy.” And proceeds to draw three trees.

please log in to view this image

“What’s this?” the boss asks.
“Have you no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9” says Paddy.
“Fair enough,” says the boss. “Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.”
Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.. “Ere ye go.”

please log in to view this image

The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”
“Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99.”
The boss is getting worried that he’s going to actually have to hire Paddy, so he says, “All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.”
Paddy stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, “Ere ye go. One hundred.”

please log in to view this image

The boss looks at the attempt. “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!”
Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, “A little dog came along and pooped by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED

 

please log in to view this image

 

Breaking news :
Singer Marti Pellow diagnosed with arthritis
He told reporters " I feel it in my fingers , I feel it in my toes "

 

Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger were discussing who they were going to play in the new Hollywood Blockbuster: The Great Composers!
"I wanna be Beethoven," said Stallone.
"I gotta be Mozart," replied Willis
"What about you, Arnie?" they asked............"I'll be Bach !"

 

My gay dyslexic mate hasn't come out of the closet yet.

He's in Daniel........

 

please log in to view this image

 

I went to fish restaurant recently and ordered the Octopus.
The waiter said: "It takes 4 hours to cook."
I said: "Why?"
He said: "Because it keeps turning the gas off."

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image