Off Topic The 'Like' Brothel

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Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?

His goal: transcend dental medication.

 

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

 

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

 

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Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf as she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer.
When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot?
Joe Bob replied "That's silver and it costs $100!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed.
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Joe Bob went to the back room to find a hinge.From the back room, Joe Bob yelled, "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
To which Mary Louise replied "No, but I will for the teapot..."

 

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PUTIN ON THE RITZ.....

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Arsenal have put Özil up for sale!

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What's the difference between a set of bagpipes and an onion?
No-one cries when you chop up the bagpipes!

 

A woman goes shopping at The Husband Store
A store that sells husbands has just opened in Ottawa where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love, kids. The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping The Husband Store, and have a nice day.

 

A man is driving down a road, when suddenly, he notices that his gas tank is running dangerously low. He pulls over at the next gas station he sees, and while his gas is being refilled, goes into the station to get a drink.

He picks out a drink, and as he is buying it, notices a sign that reads, “Talking dog”. When he asks the gas station employee about it, she tells him he can have ten minutes to talk to the dog for 5 dollars.

The man says, “I have to see if this is real, and I don’t have anything better to do” and hands the woman 5 dollars. She opens a door behind her, and he walks in.

He is immediately greeted by a golden retriever, that runs up to him and says, “Hello! I’m so glad to finally have a visitor after all these years! Sit down, and I’ll tell you a little bit about myself”.

The man sits down on the floor, and the dog starts telling him about how he joined the military, and was recruited by the CIA in the 1940’s. He tells the man about how he was able to smuggle information across the Berlin Wall, because nobody suspected a stray dog of anything.

After the dog finishes telling the man his story, the man thanks him and leaves. On his way out, he says to the gas station employee, “What a great deal. I can’t believe that you would let people talk to him for only 5 dollars!”

The employee says, “Well, you do realize that he’s a liar”.

 

The doctor was showing the visitor around the insane asylum
,and showing him a test to decide whether people should be admitted as patients. "We fill a bathtub with water and we hand the person a teaspoon, a cup, and a pail." "Oh," says the visitor, "So the normal person will use the pail to empty the tub." The doctor replied, "No, actually, a normal person would pull the plug. So, would you like a private room?"

 

A Mexican guy comes riding up to the border on his bicycle with two big sacks over his shoulders.
He tells the border guard that the sacks are full of sand, but the guard doesn’t believe him.
The guard detains the guy, and rips open the bags, but there’s nothing but sand.
He even has the sand analyzed, only to find that it really is just sand. And the sack is just a plain sack. <br>
Two days later, the same thing happens. And then it happens again, two days after that. Every time, that guy is on the bike carrying nothing but sand.
This goes on for seven years. It drives the border guard crazy. He loses his job because of it.
One day, he tracks the Mexican guy down and says to him, “I’m no longer a border guard, but I gotta know- what is it that you’re smuggling? Because I know you’re smuggling something.”
The bicycle guy smiles at him and says, “Bicycles, sucker.”

 

What is the French term for blue balls?
Sack Le Bleu

 

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