Off Topic The 'Like' Brothel

My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer

Wait.

Never mind. That wasn’t my waiter.

 

My wife screamed in pain during labour so I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”

“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”

 

The word ‘Diputseromneve’ may look ridiculous,

But backwards it’s even more stupid.

 

My wife and I share a sense of humor.

We have to. She doesn’t have one.

 

My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

 

I thought I won an argument with my wife about how to rearrange our furniture, but when I got home, the tables were turned

 

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

Re-morse code.

 

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get for you?”

“Pop”, goes the weasel.

 

After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop working?

Your pupils. They dilate.

 

I spotted an albino Dalmatian yesterday.

It was the least I could do for him.

 

I Just called the tinnitus hotline.

It didn’t stop ringing.

 

A pack of geese is a gaggle

But a pack of camels is why my dad never came back.

 

What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?

Dear Sir or Madam,

Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.

Sincerely,

Your Internet Provider

 

Today I went for a walk with a beautiful girl.

Then she noticed me so we went for a run.

 

My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of an 18 year old.

Until she checked the freezer.

 

Do you know what DNA stands for?

National Dyslexic Association

 

How does every racist joke start?

With a look over your shoulder.

 

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