I couldn't do that ****, if somebody offered me a billion quid to do it I'd still dump my load about 30ft from the ground and freeze. Nut jobs.
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place. (self.funny) ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’ ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ. ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you ****ting me? ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male. ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral… ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? And last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
The human body has 7 trillion nerves.......my wife manages to get on every one of them. ———————————————————————————— I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. They’re brilliant...It makes the wife look like she’s actually moving during sex… ———————————————————————————— My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate. I was so shocked I almost tripped over my cock. ———————————————————————————— I went to the doctor’s office the other day and found out that my new doctor is young female and drop dead gorgeous. I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don't worry, I am a professional – I've seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I'll check it out I said, “My wife thinks that my dick tastes like asparagus” ———————————————————————————— I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal. Dyslexic bitch , it turns out that she loves Alan, my best friend…… ———————————————————————————— A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV when he suddenly yells, “Don't enter that church, you damn fool !!!” His wife asks him, “What are you watching?” Husband replies, “Our bloody wedding video” ———————————————————————————— Life is like a penis....Soft and hanging freely....It’s women that make it hard ———————————————————————————— I said to the wife, “Get me a newspaper” “Don't be silly,” she said “You can borrow my iPad” That spider never knew what hit it. ———————————————————————– I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform but she says she doesn't like it. She says that she tends to get sleepy and it makes her ass sore.
i got dirty harry. http://www.playbuzz.com/toddbv10/wh...16723258355920&fb_action_types=og.shares&ff=1
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