The joke thread - please add any good jokes you know

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Two monkeys sat on a branch scratching. One turns to the other

'**** these ticks really piss me off!'

The other replies 'Holy ****, a talking monkey!'

****s.
 
Ron said:
I also have bays and chestnuts Edge. That particular horse isn't actually mine. It's stabled with us and my daughter produced it to be champion Arab of Normandy. I don't have a black one.
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I have a black one Ron, when I hold it in my hand I get this throbbing desire to stab someone <laugh>
 
Rhianna - "Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me"

Shame her ancestors weren't so open minded.
 
Neville Bartos said:
ok I'll think about it.
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What it should have said is: Two birds sitting on a perch, one with a chris waddle haircut and turns to the other and say's can you smell fish?.........The other say's that'll be the Mullet!
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Oh My Cod <whistle>
 
A girl came skipping home from school one day...

"Mummy, Mummy," she yelled "we were counting today and all the other kids could only count to 4, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!

Very good, said her Mother.

Is it because I'm blonde? "Yes, it's because your blonde," said the Mummy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. " Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, all all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,B,C,D,E,F,G!

"Very Good," said her Mother.

Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?

"Yes it's because your blonde!

The following day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were in Gym class today, and when we showered all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36C's.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24 years old."
 
My wife asked me last night if she pleased me in bed.

"Yes" I replied, "Especially that trick you do with your mouth"

"What trick" she asked, puzzled.

"The one where you shut the fukk up and go to sleep"
 
Why do white guys have jobs?

So that black guys can shag their wifes
 
Scientists now believe that if you masturbate frequently you have a greater chance of developing tourettes in later life.
How the fcuk these piss-brained arseholes come up with these cock sucking titwanking idea's is beyond me!<grr>
 
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl give him a ****. I said "Son! That's three schools this year. You should stop this immediately or they will ban you from teaching altogether".
 
Some good ones on here. Well done chaps. I think I'll have a "Top Jokes of the Week" thread and add the best ones each week to it. As long as it doesn't offend the posters of those that don't get selected. Depending on how it goes I might put them into categories. I know it's a bit risky on this forum but I'll give it a go.
 
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