I get sent them all the time, I must have hundreds of them. It drives the wife mad when she checks the emails for work and all she gets is jokes for me!
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £25! Bo*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting dressed to go out when finally she swung open the door and asked me "tell me honestly do I look fat in this ?". I replied " yes love to be fair, its a small bathroom ! "
Just for Mrs Lalala A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot. "What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, I'm sure you'll agree, and it's an absolute steal at only £20." "Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks. "Well", replies the assistant, it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity" "Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home. Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman "F*** me, a new brothel and a new madam" "I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel" says the woman indignantly. A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home. "A new brothel, a new madam, and now new prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters. "Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes" complained the girls, but they all see the funny side and have at laugh at their new pet. A short while later, the woman's husband comes home. "Well f*** me, a new brothel, a new madam, new whores, but the same old clients. How ya doin', Dave?"
I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.
WHAT CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient. Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly. Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent. Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion. Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted. Man who eats many prunes get good run for money. War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left. Man who drives like hell is bound to get there. Man who stands on toilet is high on pot. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.. Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. . ... "A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
And...........not one joke against her best friend the Riddler..........come on Gat-Po.........don't give up on him just yet.
Farmer Giles called his stockman Alfie over..............Alfie I don't want Brutus our New Bull to try serving Daisy our cow in that next door field......not until he's been here a little longer and settled in.............OK gaffer what you want me to do then .............we used to fool old Nero our previous Bull by throwing a big white sheet over any cow we wanted left alone Alfie, lets try that again said Farmer Giles..............OK gaffer as good as done. Next morning old stockman Alfie came wandering into yard..........Morning Gaffer.........you know damn funny thing that........what that then Alfie said Farmer Giles...........well I've looked everywhere and can I find that damn sheet.......It's not anywhere Gaffer............but I must admit I'm a little suspicious about that little handkerchief hanging out that cows rear end.
LIttle Firefighter A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, When he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighterâs helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the Firefighter said with admiration. 'Thanks,' the girl replied. The Firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. 'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. ' The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
Fred and his mate Jim had spent a few hours down the local swimming pool.............back in the changing room getting dressed Fred couldn't help but notice that Jim was struggling to get into a corset. Jim I didn't relize you had to wear a corset.......how long have you been needing that............oh Fred said Jim..............ever since the wife found it in the glove compartment.
With Halloween coming up I went to a fancy dress shop to buy a Dracula costume. The girl offered me a Man U shirt ..... I said to her " Sorry love I think you misheard, I said I want to look like a count "
A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually. '
My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms." The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days." Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
An old girlfriend once told me that anal sex was like her first car - she didn't really want it but her uncle gave it to her anyway.
GAT I showed 'em at work (the place is full of manu haters) this joke from my phone this morning and it raised a few smiles!
