A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray. "Is this good for wasps?" he asks the assistant. To which she replies "No, it kills them."
This is the best sketch in British tv history - but too extreme to get the same recognition: Jam (Chris Morris) Episode 2 Smart Pipes (youtube.com)
Golden oldie for you. Tony Hancock’s blood donor sketch. People (of a certain age) still use the phrase ‘that’s practically an armful’
A Glaswegian to on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a long day on the slopes he goes into the bar at his hotel. After 6 double whiskeys he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall. He says to the barman "What the hell is that?" The barman says "It's a moose" The Glaswegian says "Well bugger me How big are the cats?"
This one you will probably have to say to yourself in a Scottish accent. A Glaswegian guy brings home his new girlfriend to meet his parent's for the first time " This is Amanda." His dad jumped out of his chair and said " It's a f**king what?"
The Mirror believes that they have discovered the identity of the person who assassinated Jill Dando. The guy is currently serving 40 years in prison for plotting 2 assassinations for Slobodan Milosevic, including that of another journalist who was killed in the same way as Jill, 2 weeks previously. Jill Dando murder revelation over Man X’s resemblance to secret service assassin https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/jill-dando-murder-breakthrough-over-32645109?utm_source=app
4 men sit anxiously outside the maternity unit ... ... as they await news on their wives' who are having babies The English one says, "My first son was born on St George's Day, so I named him George." The Scotsman added, "My first son was born on St Andrew's Day, and I decided to name him Andrew." The Welshman said, "My boy was born on St David's Day, and I just had to call him David!" The Irishman spoke up, "Ah, sure,it was justthe same with our Pancake!"
A man walks into the Election office in London and says to the Receptionist: "I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be an independent candidate". Receptionist: "Certainly sir, no problem. Please fill in this Form". He was filling the Form until he came to the question: ''Are you circumcised?" So he asked the Receptionist: "Is that question necessary?" Receptionist: "If you are circumcised you are not eligible". He asked what difference it would make if he was circumcised? Receptionist: "To become a genuine politician, you have to be a complete dick".
This map, showing the locations where mobile speed cameras have the most success, was posted on Facebook by the Guardia Civil. They did include a warning not to tell anyone as “it’s a secret”. They also stress that it is wrong to speed. There’s also a link in the post so you can see exactly what roads are referred to in this map.
