Off Topic The Goodhand Arms

An old man and an old lady that used to date eachother 50 years ago found eachother again on Facebook and decided to go on a date again in the very same pub they had their first date. The old man says to the old lady "Do you remember what we did against that fence out there 50 years ago?" The old lady smiles and said "Yes" The old man said "Do you fancy doing it again?" The old lady smiles and said "Yes" So they make their way outside. A guy that was sat at the bar overheard the conversation and thought I have got to see this and found a spot to hide with a good view. The old man has the old lady up against the fence and he is banging away for fifteen minutes. Half hour later he is still banging away. 45 minutes later he is still banging away when all of a sudden they callapse and lay on the ground . The guy that was watching returns to the bar and a little while later the old man goes up to the bar. The guy says to the old man " I overheard your conversation about what you did against that fence 50 years ago and when you said that you were going to repeat it I thought I have got to see this because I didn't think you would be able to manage it. Tell me how does a man of your age have such good stamina? ". The old man replied" I'll tell you one thing 50 years ago that bloody fence wasn't electrified."

 

I heard something other day I hadn't heard for years the nickname Twirlies. Bus drivers used to call OAP'S Twirlies. This was because they used to ask the bus driver 'Is it too early to use my bus pass".

 

At least some good news this week.

https://www.lbc.co.uk/news/cyclist-surgery-jaw-zebra-crossing-hackney/

 

These just stop oil "Protestors" are seriously getting on my tits now. Old bill are a ****ing joke.

 

Having the opposite effect to what they want. Make me want to go out and shoot a dolphin. Not sure how annoying the public has any affect on government policy. Alienating their target audience.
Someone is going to get hurt soon…let’s hope not, but if it is let’s hope it’s a protestor.

 

Doctor: "Sorry to tell you but you have onomatopoeia."

Patient: "Oh my God, doctor, is that really serious?"

Doctor: "I'm afraid it's every bit as bad as it sounds."

 

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New Yorkers urged to remain vigilant after Donald Trump is rendered completely invisible.

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A young man moved from his parent’s home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now completely nude, she purred at him.

"What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me..."

 

My mate quit his job at BMW.

He of course gave no indication he was leaving.

 

Glad you opened a window on the career move

 

What do you get if you cross a Rottweiler with a Hyena?
I have no idea but I recommend you join in when it laughs

 

What should you do if a Rottweiler humps your leg?

Fake it.

 

My best mates and I played a game of hide and seek. It went on for hours...

Well, good friends are hard to find.

 

One of the towering giants of stage, screen, and political life has left us



She once said without a trace of irony that the pinnacle of her acting career was appearing on the Morecambe and Wise Show.

RIP Glenda