Off Topic The Goodhand Arms

Reminds me of when I was walking through Cosham once and saw a Portsmouth FC season ticket nailed to a telegraph pole, so I took it.

You never know when you’ll need a nail.

 

If you’re considering a flutter on the Grand National today, a Bookie gave me three tips.

Sunshine.

Moonlight.

Good Times

If they don't win, don't blame it on the Sunshine, don't blame it on the Moonlight, don't blame it on the Good Times, blame it on the Bookie.....

 

I'll be backing Dusty rug as it's never been beaten and Ronseal because it's good over fences.

 

The last time I backed a horse it came in at twenty five to one.Its a pity the others finished at twelve thirty.

 

I said to my Mrs I'm going to the pub get your coat. Am I going with you? She asked. I replied No I'm switching the heating off.

 

I got mugged by six dwarves last night.

Not happy.

 

Or a telegraph pole

 

Reminds me of a builders merchant outside Shepton Mallet. They sold them but advertised them as Telegrath Poles, which always made me smile.

 

I think, I'm going to lose my license...
and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "Licence and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"

Me: "A car."

Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"

Me:"I have no idea!"

Officer:"So, you're drunk."

Me:"But I didn't drink anything."

Officer:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?

Me:"A motorcycle."

Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"

Me:"I have no idea!"

Officer:"As I suspected, you're drunk!"

Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.

Me:"So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"

Officer:"A prostitute of course."

Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"

Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...

 

I pulled into a petrol station, near a small Spanish town, and put €30 of fuel in the tank.
Went in to pay, giving the cashier a €50 note getting a 20 change. As I started to walk away the cashier calls out “Señor momento”.
I walked back to the till saying “Hay problema?”
And received the response “No hay problema, descuento” and he gave me another €4+ euros.
That’s when I remembered reading that the Spanish government had passed a law reducing tax on fuel to help the people and this is how it is being paid.
Approximately 14% rebate. Not bad.

 

The 40 Most Beautiful Actresses Pre-1960 (my preferences) - YouTube

 

I always knew you shouldn't trust someone who wears a jacket but no trousers.

 

Received a text from the wife saying she was breaking up with me.

Imagine how relieved I was when a couple of minutes later she texted ‘sorry wrong number’.

 

My son didn't cope well with going to jail.

He refused to eat or drink anything. He swore at everyone and covered his room with his own ****.

After that we never played Monopoly again.

 

Is anyone else having trouble with Saintsplayer? Mine won’t load and it can’t find the website www.Saintsplayer.com ? Seems to be offline?
Is there another way of contacting them?