They walk amongst us. My daughter and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a £5 note. Our total was £4.25, so I also handed her 25p. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a pound coin back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 25p, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.' The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75p in change. Do not confuse the people at MacD's. We had to have the garage door repaired. The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.' We haven't used that repairman since... I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.' IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE. My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce. I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the beeper was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!' She is a government employee..... When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. ‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.' STAY ALERT! They walk among us, they breed, and they vote….... You now have 2 options... Delete it….. or Send it along to put a smile on someone's face today!. Just a fun read
Two owls playing pool, one says “ you’ve just hit my ball, that’s two hits. The other owl says “too hits too who”
Proper gnarly food poisoning to start the new school year. Great. Just what I needed. In the space of a week I have to start the school year, see my family leave the country, move into a new apartment and recuperate my poor, shattered arse.
The largest source of a gravitational wave has been discovered. Interesting, but I was diverted by the comment from Professor Alan Weinstein who no one will be surprised to learn is American. "Although this event is consistent with being from an exceptionally massive binary black hole merger, and alternative explanations are disfavoured, it is pushing the boundaries of our confidence.'' Translation into English: This event is most consistent with an exceptionally massive binary black hole merger, but we're not sure. Professor Weinstein, you are obviously a very smart cookie and don't need obscure sentences to prove it. Sent from my soapbox.
Ha, that was the first joke I told my now wife when we met around 30 years ago, we often have a laugh that won her over. 30 years later I bloody hate owls
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" I replied "No..." She responded: "How about now?"
Guy knocked at my door, he said “I've just seen your dog chase the postman on a bike”. I said “it won't be my dog”, he asked “why”, I replied “my dog doesn’t have a bike”. I’ll get my coat ....
I fell down the stairs the other evening. My Mrs wasn't happy she thought Eastenders had finished early
A soft mint and an extra strong mint are sitting in a pub. The strong mint is giving it some, trying to make out he's pretty tough. "Alright then," says the soft mint, "if you're so tough, you've got to take on the next sweet through the door." "Done," says the strong mint, feeling pretty self assured. Sure enough the door opens and in walks a humbug. The strong mint jumps up, runs over and nuts him. All that's left is a pile of crumbly humbug pieces. "Not bad," concedes the soft mint, "but they aren't too hard those humbugs. Try the next one." Before he can finish the door opens and in walks a Maltezer. The strong mint nuts him, crumbling the Maltezer. "Alright I'll admit you're tough if you can do three out of three; I can't argue with those figures," says the soft mint. So the door opens and in walks a Tune. The strong mint jumps up and runs into the toilet. The soft mint follows him and finds him leaning over the basin, shaking. "What's up?" he says. "I thought you were the toughest sweet around." "Yeh," says the strong mint." But I ain't touching him, he's bloody menthol."
I used to have a racing snail. I thought I would take its shell off to make it go faster but it just made it sluggish
