Off Topic The dying Swan ~ Joke thread

My girlfriend wanted me to have sex on the bonnet of her Honda Civic. I refused saying if I wanted sex it would be on my own Accord

 

You could have Jazzed it up a bit. I'll get me coat.

 

I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes but that’s Heinz sight

 

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed and says: "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike... Mike..."

"Who is it?" Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike. It's me, Joe..."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe." insists the voice.

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"'Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says, "is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."

"'That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what could possibly be the bad news? "

"You're in the team for Saturday.

 

Nice one Masky.

The only worrying point is that a few of us are in the Development Squad for that team.

 

I have one foot inside the gates

 

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye."

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?"

Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”

Englishman: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman: (look of shock)

Englishman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman)

Dog: "Yep."

Englishman: "How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play."

Welshman: (Look of total disbelief!)

Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Welshman: "Horse don't talk.”

Englishman: "Hey horse how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Welshman: (Extreme look of shock!)

Englishman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Welshman)

Horse: "Yep."

Englishman: "How's he treating you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice stable to protect me from the weather."

Welshman: (Look of total amazement!)

Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Welshman: "That sheep's a f**king liar."

 

I had to take a bottle of vinegar back to the shop as there were lumps in it. Shopkeeper wasn’t having any of it saying “those are pickled onions.”

 

I was having trouble with my computer at work so I called IT Support...


He said, "Have you tried disabling cookies?"


I said, "Well, I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man?"