Off Topic The dying Swan ~ Joke thread

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Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, were reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the restroom. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied
Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said, 'Well, that's fantastic! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started
His own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: a 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked, 'What are all the
congratulations for?' One of the three said, 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What
about your son?'

The fourth man replied, 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'
The three friends said, 'What a shame ... what a disappointment.'
The fourth man replied, 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.

 

Saw this and thought of Clingo....sent a copy to Minxy!

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says: “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Long
Larry replies: “God and I are close. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.

“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”

“Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s pissing in the fridge again!”

 

While the wife was in the kitchen cooking breakfast I suddenly heard a loud thud. Running in I found her collapsed on the floor & not breathing. I was in a blind frenzy, I had no idea what to do.

Then i remembered, Wetherspoons do an all day breakfast for just £4.99

 

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Hmmmm.....not the best joke Masky has put up, but better than anything BFB has!

 

A little boy is walking down the road dragging a flattened frog on a string, he walks up to the local brothel and taps the door, when the madam answers he says "I want to have sex with your dirtiest girl, who has lots of diseases, I've got £500 to spend". The madams eyes light up and says "that will be me then, but why do you want a disease?" the boy said "tonight after Mum and Dad leave my babysitter will shag me, cause she likes cute little boys, later when Dad runs her home, he'll shag her in the layby, when he comes home and goes to bed, Mum'll want a good seeing to and tomorrow when Dad goes off to work, Mum will shag the milkman, and he's the twat that ran my ****ing frog over"

 

And yy