Wife: 'What are you doing?' Husband: Nothing. Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.' Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'
My wife is doing a parachute jump tomorrow, and I’m genuinely concerned that her chute won’t open. The last time something that big hit the planet, the f*cking dinosaurs got wiped out.
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar talking about golf and singing. Woods turns to Wonder and says, “How is the singing career going?” Stevie Wonder replies, “Not too bad! How’s the golf?” Woods replies: “Not too bad, I’ve had some problems with my swing, but I think I’ve got that right now.” Stevie says, “I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.” Tiger asks, “You play golf?” Wonder replies, “Oh yeah, I’ve been playing for years.” And Woods says, “But you’re blind. How can you play golf if you’re blind?” Wonder replies, “I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.” “But how do you putt?” asks Woods. “Well,” Stevie says, “I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.” Woods asks, “What’s your handicap?” Stevie says, “Well, I’m a scratch golfer.” Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie: “We’ve got to play a round sometime.” Wonder replies, “Well, people don’t take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole.” Woods thinks about it and says, “OK, I’m game for that, when would you like to play?” Stevie says, “Pick a night!”
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. “First offender?” the judge asks. “No, first the Gibson then the Fender.” the woman says.
