Paddy's New years Eve's firework party was a complete disaster. "I don't understand it" he said." "They all worked fine when I tried them yesterday."
When I turned 16, my dad told me that it was time to get a job. “When I was your age, in my very first job, I worked with over 500 people under me” “Wow,” I said. “Did you work in some big corporation ?” “No” He said, “I mowed the lawn in a cemetery”
My wife has requested that when I'm receiving a blow job she would appreciate it if I told her when I'm about to come. Do you think that I should phone her, or would a text suffice?
I was in Sports Direct once when a lady approached me thinking I worked there, despite the fact I wasn’t 19 and didn’t stink of weed. She said she wanted a Manchester City shirt for her grandson but didn’t know what they looked like. I was happy to help. That lady left the shop with a Manchester United away shirt. It’s at least five years since that happened and I still wake up feeling proud some mornings.
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: 'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.' ****************************** * MALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Put down your car window. 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 6. Put window up. 7. Drive off. ****************************** * FEMALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to cash machine. 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine. 3. Set parking brake, put the window down. 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. 5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up. 6. Attempt to insert card into machine. 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. 8. Insert card. 9. Re-insert card the right way. 10 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page. 11. Enter PIN. 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. 13. Enter amount of cash required. 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror. 15. Retrieve cash and receipt. 16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside. 17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book. 18. Re-check makeup. 19. Drive forward 2 feet. 20. Reverse back to cash machine. 21. Retrieve card. 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided! 23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you. 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off. 25. Re-dial person on cell phone. 26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles. 27. Release Parking Brake.
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but.. "Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it." The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1000 an inch." The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a four inch one before, and you decide to go for eight inches, she might be a bit put out. But if you had an eight inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a four incher this time, she might be disappointed So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.." The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?" "I have," says the man. "And what is the decision?" asks the doctor. We are having granite worktops
A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery . . . . a hearse was followed by a second hearse about 50' behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a lead, and behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file. The man needed to satisfy his curiosity, so he respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said “I am so sorry for your loss and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it ?” “My wife’s.” ”What happened to her ?” “She shouted at me and my dog attacked her.” He inquired further. “So who is in the second hearse ?” The man answered. “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.” A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men before he said “Can I borrow the dog ?” The man replied. “Get in the queue.”
