please log in to view this image Man who kept his boat besides his house was ordered from the city to put up a fence to hide the boat from view. So he built the fence and hired someone to paint it.
An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Tipperary baby boy.." Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks ... so how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds". The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born." The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whiskey, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says... "Had him circumcised."
DAD: Son, I don't mind you borrowing my car, but please bring it back clean. SON: I didn't take your car…mom did
Builders found a body hidden up a chimney breast. Had a medal round its neck saying 'Irish Hide and Seek Champion, 1934'
I started doing some impressions of old TV detectives in the pub last night. Telly Savalas aka Kojak, “Who loves ya baby?” Peter Falk aka Colombo, "Just one more thing.” Humphrey Bogart, “Play it again Sam.” After a couple of others I noticed a young lady taking a lot of interest and asked her, “Would you like to see my Dick Tracy?” She said, “Yes please, but my names not Tracy!”
Breaking News.... Devon and Cornwall have cancelled their planned joint '60s & '70s retro music festival after a row about whether to put The Jam or Cream on first.
Finally found the way to drive the missus wild by using my tongue. “ You’ve put a lot of fat on”. I said
It is just before Man City Vs Man Utd in the FA cup final at Wembley. Haaland goes into the Man City changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum. "What's up?" he asks. "Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Man Utd. They're ****e and we can't be bothered". Haaland looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub." So Haaland goes out to play Man Utd by himself and the rest of the Man City team go off for a few pints. After a few jars they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the TV on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Man City 2 - Man Utd 0 (Haaland 5, 10 minutes)". He is beating Man Utd all by himself! Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the TV back on. "Result from Wembley Stadium "Man City 2 (Haaland 5, 10 minutes) - Man Utd 1"(Bruno Fernandes 89 minutes)". They can't believe it, he has single handedly beat Manchester United!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down." "Don't be daft, you beat Man Utd all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end" "No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes!”
MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE NICKNAMES If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes. EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. MONEY A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs. A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale. BATHROOMS A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel . The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items. ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. SUCCESS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does. DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
