Off Topic The dying Swan ~ Joke thread

Paddy was on his death bed and knew the end was near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast .

He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.

When all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra."

"My daughter Geraldine , you take the apartments over in Malone Road."

"My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre."

"Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road ."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, "Mrs. O'Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property"..

"Property?”, his wife replies. “The ****er had a window cleaning round."

 

Why don’t they drink tea at the Liability Stadium?

Cos there aren’t any cups

The old ones are the best

 

Only in the Rhondda

You will not believe what happened to me today. I pulled in to the Asda petrol station Tonypandy.

The machine was out of receipt paper as usual, so I had to go in the store for my receipt.

As I was walking in, I noticed these 2 cops watching a guy who was smoking while pumping petrol. I saw him and thought, "Is this man drunk, stupid, or just crazy?!! With the cops, right there too?!"

But anyway, I went inside and as I was getting my receipt, I heard someone screaming. My gut knew what was happening. I looked out the window and the man's arm was on fire! He was swinging his arm and running around going crazy! As I went outside, I saw the officers take him to the ground. They were patting his arm and ended up putting the fire out with their coffee!!

Then they handcuffed him and threw him in the back of their police car. I, being the curious person that I am, asked the cops what they were arresting him for... The officer looked me square in the eyes and said, "WAVING A FIREARM!"

 

A bit windy today.

 

Ah yes Dai, the cow jumped over the moon, and on way down eh pal?

Corker that Winky! I’ll get me coat!

 

Dianne Abbott visited Northern Ireland. She was asked, "What do you think of County Down?"

She replied, "It's not been the same since Carol Vorderman finished."

 

a long joke but worth the time out....

 

What a strange monologue Aber, all about timing, no punch line, but you had to see it through! A bit sick, an overwhelming honesty! Not sure if I liked that pal, but thanks!

 

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A 'Carry On' Actor walked into a bar and asked for a 'Double Entendre'.
The barman gave him one.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Chuck him in the microwave until its' Bill Withers'.

 

Slick, Whiffle, slick!!!!

 

A coachload of old dears from the WI stopped at a roadside pub for a drink. As they all trouped off the coach into the pub a well oiled local old lag propping up the bar shouted to the driver "Oi mate - where are you taking that bloody lot"

The driver looked indignant and replied "I'm taking them to Burnham if it's any of your business"

The old lag looked up from his pint and shouted back "Blimey mate what a waste, do us a favour and let me **** 'em first".

 

Famous Sporting Quotes

"We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalised"
(Ian McNail - Football)

"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother"
(Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator)

"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite"
(Murray Walker - F1 Motor racing Commentator)

On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country"
(Ian Rush - Footballer)

"Bill Frindal has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator"
(John Arlott - Cricket Commentator)

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body"
(Winston Bennett - Footballer)

"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical"
(Murray Walker- F1 Motor racing Commentator)

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father"
(Greg Norman - Golfer)

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious"
(Alan Minter - Boxer)

"The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball"
(John Francombe - Jockey)

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again"
(Terry Venables - Football Coach)

"We'll still be happy if we lose. It's on at the same time as the Beer Festival"
(Noel O'Mahoney, Cork City boss before the game in Munich)

"I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better"
(Ron Atkinson - Footballer)

"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces"
(Ron Atkinson - Footballer)

"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat"
(Ron Atkinson - Football Coach)

On Tony Adamson's alcholism: "It took a lot of bottle for Tony to own up"
(Ian Wright - Footballer)

"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got 11 Dicks on the field"
(Metro Radio)

"... and later we'll have action from the men's cockless pairs"
(Sue Barker - Commentating on Rowing)

"Her time is about 4.33, which she's capable of"
(David Coleman - Athletics)

"To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch"
(Ruud Gullit - Football Coach)

"Well, either side could win, or it could be a draw"
(Ron Atkinson - Football Coach)

"For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip"
(John Motson - Football Commentator)

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer"
(David Acfield)

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona"
(Mark Draper - Aston Villa)

"There goes Juan Torera down the back straight, opening his legs and shown his class" (David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics)

"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them - Oh my God, what have I just said?"
(US TV commentator)

"And for those of you who watched the last programme (Fanny and Johnny Craddock), I hope all your doughnuts turn out like Fanny's"
(David Coleman at the start of Match of the Day)

 

And we will now return to the ladies weight lifting just in time to see the Russian lifter's snatch.

I think that was Coleman as well.