That's it for me at Asda no one can take a joke any longer. BANNED Dear Mrs. Jones, Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced... to ban him from the store. Our complaints against your husband Mr. Jones, include, but are not limited to, the list below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras: 1. January 5: Set all the alarm clocks in Homewares to go off at 5- minute intervals. 2. February 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. 3. March 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the toilets. 4. April 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Homewares. Get on it right away". This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor. 5. May 4: Went to the Customer Service Desk and tried to reserve a pack of biscuits. 6. June 14: Moved a "Caution - Wet Floor" sign to a carpeted area, which resulted in a customer slipping and falling over. 7. August 15: Sat in a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged. 8. September 3: Darted around the whole store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme. 9. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "Pick me! Pick me!" 10. November 23: Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was. 11. December 2: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here." 12. December 7: Parked his car in the trolley shelter: Yours sincerely, Mr. Neil Clark, Store Manager
While examining the the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen. "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity." The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screams, "Schwartz is dead!"
My wife said to me . “ You haven’t been listening to a word I said . Have you ? “ I thought. That’s a funny way to start a conversation ...
An elderly couple go to the doctors as they've both become very forgetful. The doctor says it's an age thing and he can't do anything for them. The advice he gives them, is that if there is anything they need to remember they should write it down, so to carry some paper and a pen. A few days later the old boy gets up and asks his wife if she'd like some breakfast. She says she'd like some muesli, saying to write it down so he doesn't forget. He says it's fine, he'll remember, she wants muesli. As he's going out the door she says that there are some strawberries there so to slice up 3 strawberries on the muesli. She tells him to write it down. He says no worries, he'll remember, she wants muesli with 3 sliced strawberries. He gets to the landing and she says she'd like some yoghurt from the fridge on her muesli and strawberries telling him to write it down. He says, look, I've got it, you want some muesli with 3 sliced strawberries and some yoghurt from the fridge. So, off he goes down stairs. She hears clanking of pots and pans and the fridge door going, and 20 minutes later he comes up with a tray with a plate of bacon and eggs. She says, what's this? Where's the toast?
